Sideboard of Harmony
by Overactive Mind
Summary: The story may be over, but the crossover continues. The further adventures of Ditzy Doo, Planeswalker, among many, many other things. Collection of one-shots set in the Multiverse of Elementals of Harmony. Seriously, read that first.
1. Ave Discordia

Hello. If you're reading this without having read my story Elementals of Harmony, I recommend that you stop now, because spoilers.

Still here? If you haven't read Elementals, then you've only got yourself to blame if you ruin it for yourself. If you have, then you've probably still got a couple questions: What else did the pony planeswalkers do while traipsing through the Multiverse? How'd Ditzy's reunion with her mother go? What's an average day in the ETSAB?

Even if you didn't have any of those questions, well, you do now. You're welcome. The good news is that I'm going to answer them. But first, we're going to look at a rather different question: How would the events of Elementals of Harmony alter those of The Return of Harmony?

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own My Little Pony, Magic: the Gathering, Phoenix Wright, Warhammer, or anything else worth suing over.

* * *

><p>"The second rule is that everypony has to play or the game is over, and <em>I win<em>."

"OBJECTION!" All eyes turned to Pinkie Pie, who'd slammed the path with far more volume than hooves on compacted dirt should've produced.

"Oh, what are you griping about?" groused Discord. "Of all ponies present, I thought for certain that I had you in my corner, Pinkie."

"Elementary, my good Discord."

"Fetlock Holmes never actually said that," Twilight grumbled. With a flash of light, her mouth vanished from her face, prompting a loud, muffled protest.

"Hush, child," commanded the draconequus, "the adults are speaking." He turned back to the party pony. "You were saying?"

"You've already lost your own game."

Discord brought a talon to his chest in mock offense. "Moi?"

"Vous."

He smirked. "Well, you'll have to excuse me if I don't immediately forfeit at your say-so, petite." The spirit of disharmony's expression became frighteningly serious. "Support your thesis."

"Gladly." Pinkie adjusted the glasses she hadn't been wearing a moment ago. "Your second rule indicates that you can win the game, implying that you are playing it, and consequentially that you are subject to its rules. Given the dewinging and -horning of our party, it can be inferred that said rules are being enforced as we speak. As such, your continued levitation and teleportation break the no-flying, no-magic rule. QED."

This merited a brief, polite round of applause. "Oh, well done, well done. I can find but a single flaw in your argument, but alas, it is a fatal one."

"What?"

The chimera spread his mismatched arms wide. "I'm Discord! Remember? Spirit of chaos and disharmony? The rules don't apply to me by definition."

Pinkie frowned, but not in defeat. "So it's a rigged game. You can't lose."

"Now you're getting it!"

She shrugged. "Well, then there's no point in playing."

The draconequus drooped. "What."

Applejack nodded. "So much fer no cheatin'."

"Um..." Rainbow Dash shuffled awkwardly. "Guys, you may not have noticed, but some of us can't exactly walk away from this."

Discord nodded. "The ambiguously gay wonder raises a valid point."

"What did you call me?"

He continued, paying no heed to the indignant speedster. "Are you really going to abandon your friends to a hornless, wingless drudgery of an existence?"

"Drudgery!" Applejack shouted indignantly.

Pinkie was unmoved. "So you've gone from offering an exciting contest with the fate of the world at stake to extorting body parts." She shook her head. "Son, I am disappoint."

"Son!" exclaimed the others (except Twilight, who still got out an "Mmm?")

The incarnation's expression became a similar blend of regret and frustration. "I'm sorry to hear that, mother, but I'd like to see what effect millennia of petrification would have on _your_ sense of fair play."

The poofy-maned mare gave a resigned sigh and softly, sadly said "I'm sorry." Then she rose on her hind legs and brought her front hooves together in a single solemn clop.

Wngs and horns returned to their rightful places among her friends in a flash identical to the one that heralded their disappearance. Those same extremities then vanished from Discord, who fell on his face. The look thereon was positively murderous. "You _dare_?"

"I must." Pinkie gave a second clop, and Twilight's mouth reappeared at the apparent cost of the chimera's. The party pony turned to her studious friend. "Twilight, we're going to need to use the Elements now."

The unicorn was horrified. "We could do more harm to Equestria than Discord ever could!"

"You don't trust us?"

"I don't trust _myself_!"

Pinkie embraced the unicorn. "Don't believe in Twilight."

"Huh?"

"Believe in the Twilight who believes in Pinkie. Believe in the Pinkie who believes—"

"Oh, please!" Discord had apparently managed to reopen his mouth. "Do or do not, just spare me the played-out references!" He glared daggers at the party pony, a retort already on her lips. "And yes, I am fully aware of the irony."

The pink mare grinned. "You heard him."

Twilight swallowed. "Okay. But if we end up destroying the universe, it's your fault." With that, she closed her eyes and focused on memories she'd planned on quietly forgetting. No glow came to her horn, but her eyes shined with golden refulgence when next she opened them.

Whatever the chaos spirit had been expecting, that wasn't it. The power radiating from the unicorn was nothing like her previous displays. It was of an intensity he'd expect from one of the royal pains in the neck who'd stoned him in the first place. Worse, while it clearly wasn't the magic of one of the alicorn sisters, it was distressingly familiar. "I don't understand." He blinked, then cackled at the novelty. "I really don't understand! How _are_ you doing this?"

"An Element o' Harmony's more'n just some fancy necklace or big crown thingy." Applejack's eyes were solid, brilliant green, seemingly consumed by their irises.

So to were Rarity's, azure light streaming from her sockets. "For all our faults, each of us is a paragon of her Element."

With eyes glowing crimson and a devil-may-care smirk, Dash seemed about as menacing as a pastel pony could. "You didn't hide them away any more than foalnapping Celestia would leave us without a princess."

"We represent them as much as the jewelry, if not more." By contrast, despite the twin beacons of pure white light coming out of her face, Fluttershy didn't even seem angry. Calm, stern, possibly disappointed, but not angry.

Pinkie's eyes seemed to be all _pupil_, cones of shadow marking her gaze. "So we've decided to go off-script."

The six rose into the sky, coming together as a single entity that just happened to occupy six bodies. The draconequus winced, fully expecting to return to statuary before he could even assume a suitably dramatic pose, much less overturn the paralyzing maternal edict.

Instead, he felt a strange blend of ecstasy and nausea as, for a moment, enough magic gathered in one place to distort space. The universe rebounded from the verge of singularity and for the first time in more than five thousand years, Discord felt genuinely afraid. Instead of the half-dozen playthings he'd been looking forward to isolating, tormenting, and desaturating, there stood a six-pack of the worst nightmares he'd never had. The Bearers had, by some bizarre arcana, transmuted themselves into a sextet of vengeful goddesses that had just found something to smite.

Twilight was once again more magic than mare, but she was not the gaunt mutant that had terrorized Ponyville and threatened existence. Instead, she looked rather like Celestia after a bath in grape Kool-Aid, if Celestia's wings were iridescent, insectile things that hovered on the edge of visibility. The Tiara of Magic stood proudly atop her head, called to its living aspect from its devastatingly clever hiding place. In a voice unlike any other sound the world would ever hear, she proclaimed, "We are the Elements of Harmony."

In his fear, Discord found enough restraint to resist an eyeroll and a "Well, _duh_."

Applejack stood so tall, broad, and stocky that for a moment, the spirit of chaos thought she'd changed gender. Even standing still, she seemed to pulse with life, her wings massive, her horn suspiciously Freudian. To encircle her neck, the Torc of Honesty had grown to such a size that it could've served as an armored kilt for the average pony. However, the enormous mare's voice, though deeper and stripped of charmingly rustic accent, was still an alto. "You stand accused of crimes against reality and escape from your just prison."

Rarity seemed hewn from a single massive crystal. No, sculpted. "Hewn" was far too crude a word for the living masterpiece, each facet a passionate sonnet of and to the world, reflecting not what was but what should be. The Torc of Generosity was flawlessly incorporated into the design, the gold offset and offsetting in a way to make any aesthete abandon his craft, knowing that perfection had already been given form. Her voice was the most beautiful thing Discord had ever heard that hadn't come out of his own mouth. "Since your escape, you have wasted no time resuming the reign of terror you had so callously sown before for the sole purpose of indulging your capricious whims."

Rainbow Dash, the draconequus was sure, had intentionally chosen a form designed to mock him. It resembled flesh even less than Twilight's solidified spellcraft. Instead, "she" (as if the thing even _had_ a gender anymore,) was a wild, inchoate mass of crackling energy that just _happened_ to consistently maintain the general shape of an alicorn. The temerity, managing to assume a form simultaneously more and less chaotic than his own! The Torc of Loyalty was slightly blurred, vibrating with the power it held in check. A series of thunderclaps, sizzles, and other seemingly random sounds, when taken together, could be heard as, "You show no thought, concern, or respect for the dignity, sanctity, or welfare of any other living thing."

Fluttershy almost hurt to look at. It wasn't her luminosity, carefully set to a level soft and pleasant for any eye. It wasn't the Torc of Kindness, with its insipid diamond butterfly. It was the tooth-rotting aura of love and acceptance that wafted off of her like a cloying perfume. Her voice was so pure and melodious as to be wince-inducing. "Your heart is without remorse for your actions, proud and utterly irredeemable." Well, when she put it like that, he almost felt a little guilty. Almost.

And then there was Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie, who, bucking the trend, presented herself as a draconequus of even greater anatomical diversity than her son. Seemingly no taxon had gone unsampled in her manifestation. A thrill of hope filled Discord's mismatched hearts. Surely, between his mother and the spirit of Laughter, there was _some_ factor in his favor. As if in reply, Laughter incarnate shook her head, her Torc sparkling like the tears of a clown. For all her myriad components, her voice was unchanged. "Since the world was formed, you have brought nothing but misery to everyone who has ever known you."

"And yet..."

Discord turned back to Twilight. Really? The quintessential stick-in-the-mud? The fuddiest of duddies? Celestia's hooflicker?

"And yet," reiterated Magic given form, "you serve an essential purpose in the world, for without chaos, order is without purpose. Without strife, friendship is meaningless. Without discord, harmony is impossible."

The spirit risked prompting the pantheon. "Therefore?"

"Therefore," answered Kindness, "let us not expunge that which we find repugnant to the detriment of the world."

"Therefore," continued Loyalty, "let us recognize the thankless work of the necessary evil."

"Therefore," chimed Generosity, "let us provide an outlet for those who chafe at restriction."

"Therefore," reasoned Honesty, "let us ensure that this meeting will not take place again."

"Therefore," concluded Laughter, "let us crib a plot device from Dragonball."

All assembled looked at her with expressions that ran a wide gamut of emotion and describability. "Twilight, your line!" she stage whispered, either oblivious or indifferent to the stares.

"Therefore," Magic said with perhaps a bit more emphasis than necessary, "let there be created the Elements of Discord."

"Charisma, kindness as a means."

"Vanity, generosity towards oneself."

"Mischief, laughter at the expense of others."

"Ambition, loyalty until inconvenient."

"Cunning, honesty at its most selective."

"Chaos, the heart of magic."

Spake Honesty, "Each a part of everyone."

Spake Generosity, "Each not so much a vice as a corrupted virtue."

Spake Loyalty, "When the six are brought together by those who embody them,"

Spake Kindness, "When those six are united in purpose,"

Spake Laughter, "Then let the power of ultimate discord flow through them,"

Spake Magic, "And let them receive exactly what they deserve."

"Amen," offered Discord.

As one, the six declared, "So mote it be." With an incredible pulse of magic, the world was remade.

* * *

><p>Celestia paced nervously in her chambers, so consumed in her own thoughts that she didn't notice her sister's entrance. It took three calls of "Tia?" and a physical nudge to shake her out of it.<p>

"Oh, Luna." From her tone, it was clear that the sun princess was still distracted. "How goes the cleanup?"

"Most of Discord's work was undone with him. The more stubborn remnants are largely safe enough to be handled by conventional work crews, and the Guard has been dispatched to address the exceptions." The younger alicorn gave her sister a worried look. "How are you doing?"

"Fine, fine," Celestia said dismissively. She gave a self-deprecating smile. "Just trying to wind down after worrying a hole in the carpet."

Luna frowned, clearly not believing that for a second. "You don't 'wind down.' You've never 'wound down.' You go from concern to serenity in an eyeblink. Something's still bothering you."

"My faithful student, a pony who I love like a daughter, just risked life, limb, and sanity to seal away the monstrosity that the two of us defeated more by luck than skill. I think I'm allowed a moment to decompress."

The moon deity shook her head and sighed. "_And_ you're trying to protect me from whatever it is that's gnawing at you. Tia, I'm a big pony. I can handle it. What's more, I can help you." She smiled. "We were meant to rule together, Sister."

Celestia returned the grin. "Oh, now you're just not playing fair." She gave a sigh of her own. "You're right, though. I'm going to have to learn how to delegate again."

"You seemed able to during the Ditzy Doo incident."

"That was just to get you out of the castle for once."

Luna smirked. "I thought as much. Still, we're getting off topic. What has you so flustered, Tia?"

"This." A sunshine-colored aura lit the older princess's horn and a necklace was brought out from beneath the Royal Pillow.

The indigo alicorn took hold of the item with her own magic and examined it. Despite her centuries of alchemical experience, she found herself unable to name the material. Steel? Silver? Platinum? It was metallic and gray, but beyond that she couldn't say. The jewel, on the other hoof, was obvious; a canary diamond carved into a stylized sun nearly identical to the one on her sister's flank. "Is this..." She trailed off, unable to finish the inconceivable thought.

Celestia nodded. "It appeared almost immediately after the Elements vanquished Discord."

"But... but that would mean—"

"Yes. It would appear that I am the Bearer of the Element of Cunning."

The younger goddess digested this for a moment. "Discord always did have a refined sense of irony."

"About the only refined thing about him."

"Do you know if any of the other new Elements have appeared before their Bearers?"

"It's under investigation. I commissioned several members of the Night Guard to aid my usual sources. I didn't think you'd mind."

"Not at all. This will require subtlety." Luna took another moment to think. "So what does this mean?"

Celestia smirked ruefully at the artifact. "Well, I'm definitely not wearing the thing, that much is certain. Furthermore, Canterlot Tower is going to have a new resident."

"But the Elements—"

"The living Elements of Harmony have twice demonstrated that attempts to safeguard the crystalline ones are unnecessary, if not misguided. The relics have been left in their care."

The night princess's stomach churned with her anxiety. "I hope you know what you're doing, Tia."

Her sister permitted herself a rare look of genuine fear. "So do I, Lulu. So do I."

* * *

><p>In the exact center of almost an acre of blue-leafed Everfree undergrowth, a brightly colored rubber ball beckoned the whimsical and incautious.<p>

Lodged in the exposed frame of the Steiffel Tower, itself but one of the countless landmarks in the capital of Prance, a velvet-covered beanbag waited for gravity to work its magic.

Atop the Drackenhorn, highest mountain in the perilous ranges griffons called home, a rounded lump of basalt dared something to claim it.

On the other side of every mirror, an incongruous disco ball teased with its obvious inaccessibility.

And deep in the collective unconscious, a draconequus considered the eight-pointed star in his paw, inconceivable thoughts whizzing through his mind. After an indeterminable time, he came to a decision.

"Well, it's certainly better than being a statue."

* * *

><p>I know, I know. This just raises further questions. At the moment, I have no further plans for this iteration of the Elements of Discord, though if people want to use them, as with any of the characters, MacGuffins, and other assorted plot lubricants I invent, they're welcome to them so long as they give me a shout-out. On the other hand, I'm definitely going to explain Pinkie and Discord's history in the next story.<p>

You will hopefully be pleased to know that I plan on continuing my post-chapter features from Elementals: Things I Made Up, for the various neologisms and cultural artifacts I coin, and Card of the Chapter, which is fairly self-explanatory. None of the former in this chapter, so we'll cut straight to the latter.

**Card of the Story:**  
>Discord, Chaos Incarnate RRRR<br>Planeswalker — Discord  
>0: Exile cards from the top of your library until you exile a nonland card. Put that many loyalty counters on Discord, Chaos Incarnate.<br>-1: Choose a creature you don't control at random. Gain control of that creature. That creature is colorless for as long as you control it. _(This effect doesn't target and lasts indefinitely.)_  
>-13: Shuffle your hand and graveyard and all exiled cards you own into your library. Draw fourteen cards, then discard seven cards at random. Cast each nonland card discarded this way without paying its mana cost if able.<br>3

Next in the Sideboard of Harmony: How Pinkie Pie Got Her Cutie Mark


	2. How Pinkie Pie Got Her Cutie Mark

Well, now that I've raised further questions, it seems only fair to answer one of them. Since Twilight explicitly asks it in the story, I won't waste your time rewriting it here. Though apparently I'm just fine with wasting your time explaining how I'm not wasting your time. Let's start before I try to make that into an infinite regress.

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, or anything else of Wikipedia-article-level notability.

* * *

><p>Pinkie hummed to herself as she approached the Books and Branches Library. After dealing with Discord, Twilight had insisted that they talk as soon as they could to answer the unicorn's pressing questions. Once they were finished with the pomp and ceremony that defeating the ancient foe of sanity itself entailed, a date and time had been set, and had now come. With her typical smile, Pinkie opened the library door. "Morning, Twilight!" She noted another pony. "Oh! Good morning, Ditzy. What brings you here?"<p>

"I asked her to come," answered Twilight. "I thought she could provide some context should our discussion cross into your shared... well, weirdness, for lack of a better term. No offense."

"None taken!" gushed the baker. "I'm as weird as the beard of the feared King Leared and proud of it!"

Ditzy chuckled. "I don't know if I'm quite that odd, but I know you didn't mean anything nasty." She frowned. "Still, you never really told me what you were going to ask Pinkie."

"I can hardly believe I'm asking it," confessed the unicorn. "Telling somepony else before the mare of the hour arrived felt, well, ridiculous."

Pinkie dismissed this with the wave of a forehoof. "There's nothing ridiculous about it! It's all perfectly logical."

The other mares fixed surprisingly similar flat looks on her. "Everypony logic or Pinkie Logic?" asked Twilight.

The party pony's grin only widened. "A little from Column A, and a little from Column B."

The student sighed. "I really hope I come out of this with my sanity intact."

Ditzy offered her a wry grin. "Well, as long as one of us does, she can reassemble the other's. Deal?"

"Deal." Twilight refocused on her oh-so-unpredictable friend and sighed. "Might as well bite the bullet."

"We have bullets? Oh right, Dashie mentions them during the song in 'May The Best Pet Win'."

The unicorn took a deep steadying breath, bearing in mind that this was likely but the tiniest sample of the insanity that would soon ensue. "Okay, Pinkie. Enough beating around the bush. What did you mean when you called Discord your son?"

"Her what now!" The revelation was apparently news to Ditzy.

The pink pony looked from one friend to the other incredulously. Finally, she began, "Well, when a mare and a stallion love each other very, _very_ much—"

The pegasus interrupted her. "We aren't asking you to explain the concept of progeny."

Pinkie pondered how else to interpret that question. "Ohhh. Then you want to know how I can claim motherhood of an immortal embodiment of chaos."

The mailmare registered Twilight's grateful look. "I can kind of understand where her mind goes now and again." She stifled a laugh as she saw the unicorn's expression shift, the other mare unsure whether she envied or pitied the pegasus. "It isn't that bad."

"Worse?"

"...We're getting off topic. Pinkie?"

The party pony nodded. "Right. Ditzy, you've heard of Urza, right?"

The other planeswalker nodded. To Twilight she explained, "Imagine if Star Swirl the Bearded was an alicorn with no sense of restraint and the unshakable conviction that he could invent his way out of any problem."

"And if he couldn't enjoy a party if his life depended on it," added Pinkie. "But this story doesn't involve him. It involves one of his students, a much hoopier frood named Teferi."

* * *

><p>Outside of time and space, beyond the Blind Eternities, there lived a woman and, for lack of a better term, a man. Out of phase with the rest of existence, they were killing a few centuries as they waited for the aftermath of an interplanar invasion to blow over, at which point both they and their homelands could safely reenter the timestream. They wiled away the years with the easy patience of the nigh-immortal and endured one another with the affectionate hostility of an old married couple. The decades blended into one another, exactly as they had planned.<p>

Then one day, a pink pony stuck her head through a wormhole. "Hiiii, Teffy!"

Teffy, or more formally, Teferi Planeswalker, blinked in disbelief. "Pinkie Pie?"

The woman bolted into action, standing and entering a combat stance in less than a second. "Who is that and how did it get here?"

"Who? A friend. How?" The bald 'walker smiled. "One does not ask such things about Pinkie Pie." This didn't seem to assuage his companion's concerns. With a sigh and an exaggerated stretch, Teferi insisted, "_Relax_, Jhoira. She comes in peace."

"Sure do!" confirmed the pony, wriggling out of the breach in reality. "It's just like that funny rhyme you made up about me."

"Ah yes," recalled the other planeswalker. "Frizzy hair, not a care. Straightened mane, bringing pain. And you seem to be particularly poofy, Pinkamena. What brings you to our humble pocket plane?

"I _may_ ned an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, lickety-splickety little favor." She grinned. "It'll be _fuuuun!_"

Teferi matched her smile for smile. Oh, Jhoira was always an entertaining straight man, but there was nothing quite like riffing off of another jokester. "And why me?"

"Well, one, you're funny."

This prompted a leer at the Ghitu woman, who rolled her eyes. "Yes, I heard her."

Pinkie continued. "Two, you're not dead."

Teferi nodded. "Certainly a point in my favor."

"And three, I need someone who's good at timey-wimey magic, and you're the best time guy I know."

The dark-skinned 'walker's smile grew rather wooden. "You haven't been doing anything with time yourself, have you?" Pinkie Pie the chronomancer... Ugh, it sent chills down his spine.

"Pfft. Heck no. I never work with blue magic if I can help it. It turns me into a big ol' boring thinky-Pinkie. But_you_ can cast blue and still be fun, so you're perfect!"

Teferi preened a bit. "Well, I think we all knew that."

Jhoira was less amused. "What if we have to phase back into Dominaria and you're still playing with your horse?"

"Firstly, she is a pony, not a horse. Important distinction. Secondly..." The Zhalfiran paused for a moment to assess the currents of time. "Yes, the conjunction won't be for at least another century. If I'm gone that long, then we'll have bigger problems."

He held a hand out to Pinkie. "Lead on, my friend."

She placed a hoof in the offered appendage and the two vanished, leaving an artificer bitterly muttering about the unreliability of planeswalkers, horses, and men alike.

* * *

><p>"Here we are!"<p>

Teferi took in the view. At least, he tried to. There simply wasn't anything to see. There was only a hollow bubble of stability floating in the Bastard Plane, a wholly empty universe. "It's... very austere."

"Oh, it's not done yet, silly," tittered Pinkie. "That's why I brought you here!"

"Oh?"

"Yup. See, I had an idea. You know how any plane made by a planeswalker eventually collapses?"

The man nodded. "Of course. Eventually, mana imbalance destabilizes it and the Blind Eternities consume it."

"Right! Entropy in action. Well, what if I could make entropy want to keep the plane intact?"

Teferi considered this, beginning several objections before abandoning them midsentence. Finally, he settled on, "How?"

Pinkie beamed with pride. "Give it a personality! Make it more interested in having fun than breaking everything down!"

The humanoid planeswalker digested the proposal for some time. Finally, he declared, "Pinkie Pie, I have been called mad. I have seen madness both quiet and loud. But you? You seem to have transcended madness and achieved an enlightenment the likes of which the allegedly sane dare not even conceive."

She grinned even more widely. "I'll take that as a compliment!"

"It was meant as one." Teferi frowned as a new question occured to him. "But where do I enter into this audacious project of yours?"

"Well, for the plan to work, I'll need entropy to have an ego from the very first moment."

"Seems a bit late for that."

The pony shook her head, still smiling. "Can't you tell? I haven't started time yet."

With a start, Teferi realized that she was right. With his dramatically heightened chronomantic sensitivity, the inexorable motion of time felt like a constant gentle wind at his back. Here, there was no such feeling. It certainly explained why the plane was so barren, and why so barren a plane hadn't already collapsed. There was simply not yet any time for anything to happen.

Pinkie continued, "I'm going to need my full attention to incarnate entropy, so I needed someone else to start the clock. Who better than you?"

"Who indeed?" The man sighed and shook his head. "I wish Urza had been more like you."

She looked away. "They messed with his family. They got what they deserved." The moment passed and she turned back, beaming as though it hadn't happened. "Ready?"

Teferi cracked his knuckles. "Whenever you are."

"On my signal, then."

Pinkie closed her eyes and brought her forelegs forward. Her body, only a projection of her mind, grew more simplistic and abstract as her focus moved from self-definition to the task at hoof. Gloomy russet energy formed before her, kept spherical only by having no time in which it could become more irregular. The visible edges of the plane seemed to glow light green, though the human couldn't tell if that light was actually there or merely an illusion of contrast. Finally, when the ball of thermodynamic inevitability was half again as tall as she was, the mare cried, "Now!"

Teferi snapped his fingers. He felt a mental lurch as time began to flow in the tiny cosmos, then watched the aggregated entropy collapse on itself. "Now what?"

"Wait for it..."

Something nagged at the Zhalfiran's mind. After a moment, he realized that the lighting had changed. He needed no more light to see than he did air to breathe, but he could still notice the shift. "Pinkie—"

"Wait for it..." The pony's attention was locked onto her creation, now a writhing tendril on which colors swam as on an oil slick.

Teferi looked up. The spring hue he'd thought he'd seen was very definitely there and very definitely coming together on its own above them. "Pinkie!" he called more insistently.

"Almost..." She was too rapt in the development of the clump of chaos to pay him any mind.

The man sighed and floated closer to the verdant energy. It too seemed to be shaping itself, features indistinct but position clearly fetal.

With a sound best transliterated as "squee," the first children of the new plane were born.

Pinkie cradled the chimera she'd created with maternal fondness. "It worked," she whispered, exuberance tempered by awe.

"Even better than you expected." She turned to see Teferi carrying another young soul, this one clearly equine in form. White coat, red mane, the cutest little horn... and wings?

The mare's jaw dropped. "Buh... guh... zuh... I... pwah?"

"I have a theory." The other planeswalker nodded towards the patchwork creature. "This plane seems to expect a balance. Creation for destruction. Order for chaos. Harmony for discord."

Pinkie's smile threatened to split her face in two. "I got it on the first try!"

"Excuse me?"

"I was hoping this would happen, but—" She noticed his lost expression. "Okay, you know how I was flung so far back in time that when I came out in Guff's library, my home plane hadn't even come into existence yet?"

Teferi gave a wry smirk. "Well, I do now."

"Right. So, according to all the stuff I read, it was supposed to form around now, but this is the sort of thing you can see coming from a mile away if you know how to look, which I do, but I couldn't find it anywhere, so I thought to myself, 'Well, what if it was a synthetic plane?' But that didn't make sense, 'cause it _seemed_ stable, but then I was just a little filly at the time, and then something told me that I was one hundred percent correctamundo. So, here we are!"

Once again, the bald walker had to digest this for a moment. "You've created your own birth plane."

"We both did! We're parents!"

Teferi's mouth worked silently for a few seconds. "I... I suppose we are." He brought up a poker face honed to perfection by long-ago years as a court mage. "I never really planned on having a family. Certainly not like this." His emotions sorted themselves out a bit and he found himself smiling. "And yet I cannot say I regret it. So, did you have some names in mind for these little bundles of predestination?"

Pinkie gave the infant incarnation in her hooves a loving nuzzle. "I was going to name this little guy Malpercio, but I don't think anyone will get the reference. Furthermore, after that thing you said about balance, 'Discord' seems... right."

The man looked fondly at the foal he carried. "I suppose that would make this one Harmony?"

The mare shook her head. "No, that little cutie is Lauren."

"Lauren?" The Zhalfiran smirked. "Seems rather mundane for the antithesis of entropy."

"It's her true name," Pinkie explained with uncharacteristic solemnity. "One that will carry great power, that will be known only to a precious, privileged few. Most will not know of her at all. Nearly all of those who will shall know her as Faust."

"Faust." Teferi nodded. "I like it. Succinct. Punchy. Perfect for swearing." Lauren wriggled a bit in his arms. "So, what now?"

"They'll be waking up soon. I was going to do more, but..."

"But?" prompted the other 'walker.

"I'm not getting a twitch, but I've still got a feeling." Pinkie looked affectionately at the bundle of chaos she held. "They were made to make. We should leave them to it."

Teferi gasped in mock horror. "What, and never let them know their parents?"

Pinkie winced. Despite her friend's joking tone, he still struck a nerve. "Well, I guess a little quality family time couldn't hurt..."

The man gave a peal of warm laughter. "I have missed you, my friend."

* * *

><p>The child-forces were a delightful novelty for Teferi. Lauren, upon awakening and leaving his arms, had panicked for a moment, hooves flailing for purchase on nonexistent ground, wings beating against absent air. It took the burbling giggles of her brother, who was already flitting about through willpower alone, to calm her down. From there, the pair played with an ever-shifting blend of affection and enmity. According to Pinkie, this was normal sibling behavior.<p>

The two grew at a rapid clip, their forms shaped not by biology but mentality. Less than an hour after time began, they had achieved one of the greatest accomplishments of sapient life throughout the Multiverse.

"We're _bored_."

To this, both parents gave the same answer: "Then make things more interesting."

Both incarnations considered this. Discord tried first, managing a rather impressive explosion. This prompted some laughter, but not much long-term entertainment. "Aww... Well, your turn."

"Um, um..." Lauren deliberated for some time, dismissing several ideas before happening upon something intriguing. "Ooh!" She screwed up her face in concentration and a ball popped into existence. "Catch!" called the young alicorn, kicking the toy towards her brother.

After several tosses, Teferi intercepted the plaything. "Kids," Pinkie announced, "your dad and I are going away for a while."

"What?"  
>"Why?"<br>"Where?"  
>"How long?"<p>

The pony planeswalker's guilt was like a lead weight in her chest. How could she tell them that some inexplicable sixth sense was telling her to leave, lest she negate her own existence? "Don't worry. You've got each other and you've got a wide, wonderful universe to shape and play in."

Lauren deployed weapons-grade puppy dog eyes shimmering with sorrow. "Will you _ever_ come back?"

The older mare nodded emphatically, holding back tears of her own. "You can count on it."

The filly turned to Teferi. "Daddy?"

"Well, I certainly have an empty schedule for the near future. I may even introduce you to... I suppose you could call her Aunt Jhoira. I can only imagine the look on her face when I tell her that I'm a father."

"Be good to each other." Pinkie dabbed at her eyes with a hoofkerchief. "You're family. Family's important." With that, she transmuted the cloth into a pair of heart-shaped lockets, each containing a photo of the strange family. No one had any taken any pictures, but that didn't matter. She put a necklace on each young neck and a planted a kiss on each young forehead. "Experiment. Have fun. Make us proud."

One thoughtful, one melancholy, the planeswalkers left the nascent universe of Ungula.

* * *

><p>"Surprise!" Pinkie Pie manifested in a burst of confetti and warped spacetime. "Happy birthday, kids! Well, using the arbitrary definition of a year that I learned as a filly and a loose definition of 'birth', but hey! Party!" The pony realized that her creations were nowhere to be seen. "Hello?"<p>

"Mom!" Though the plane was still largely void, Lauren still galloped to her accidental creator rather than simply drift. "Hi! I wasn't expecting you, but, well, you're here! That's great!"

"I know!" The party pony looked over the alicorn. "Oh my gosh, look at you! You've grown so much!"

The other mare grinned sheepishly. She appeared to be a fully grown alicorn now, shaped more like a thin horse than her mother. "Well, Dis and I were messing with the flow of time a while back. I think we _may_ have gone a little overboard with the temporal compression." A realization struck. "Hey, speaking of... DISCORD!"

The draconequus's head poked out of Lauren's mane. "You called, dear sister?"

She rolled her eyes. "We have a guest."

"Oh?" He noticed Pinkie. "Oh! Mumsy! You grace our humble home with your delightful presence. How inexpressibly fantastic!"

The planeswalker smirked. "Neither of you has to eat. How'd you get so full of manure?"

Discord swooned, most of his body still lost in his sister's hair. "Oh, you wound me, Mother, you really do. Is it so hard to believe that I might be sincere? That I might be pushed to the peaks of purple prose by your portentous pink presence?"

"Perhaps," ceded Pinkie, "but it seems a lot more likely that you've discovered the fine art of sarcasm."

"And how," the spirit said jovially. He completed his Athenian emergence and lounged on nothing. "So, what brings you here, mamacita?"

"Well, going by a calendar that technically doesn't exist yet, it's your birthday! And that means it's time for a birthday party!" The enthusiastic mare produced and blew a noisemaker.

"A party? Splendid! I don't suppose dear Father was invited?"

Lauren frowned. "Yeah, how is Dad? I haven't seen him since we met Aunt Jhoira."

Pinkie shrugged. "I can't really visit him all that often. Reaching outside of time too much too quickly can have some really nasty side effects. Like universe-destroying nasty."

"Go on..." Discord was rapt.

His sister beaned him on the nose. "Hey! No breaking the playground, remember?"

"What, I'm not allowed to find a way to make it nonterminal while keeping it interesting?"

The alicorn raised an eyebrow. "I thought the macroscopic was 'unutterably passé.'"

"What can I say? The bloom appears to have fallen from the quantum rose. I can't say for certain, of course, but I could be persuaded to work on a visible scale."

The pink mare laughed. "It's nice to see you're getting along." She looked around and her smile lessened. "Though you don't seem to have done much."

Lauren shrugged. "I'm still figuring out how everything works."

Discord nodded. "Likewise. After all, the best way to break something requires you to understand how it's been put together."

Pinkie blinked, then snickered. "You sillies! You don't have to learn the rules! You get to _make_ the rules!"

The siblings looked at one another, then back to their mother. As one, they asked, "Really?"

"Of course! When I said this place was yours to shape, I meant it!" Before either incarnation could fully consider the implications, she continued, "Now who wants cake?"

* * *

><p>Some time after the festivities and Pinkie's departure, Discord noticed something odd. After a moment, he realized it was a light source. He was familiar with light, usually as a byproduct of an explosion, but he'd never seen something shine so steadily. Curious, he approached the phenomenon, unsurprised to see Lauren there. "So, what's all this?"<p>

"Hi, Dis," grunted his sister, clearly under great strain.

The draconequus decided that given his sister's focus, it would be best to wait. Half a second later, his patience ran out and he repeated the question.

With a frustrated sigh, the alicorn allowed the ball of fire to burst, harmlessly engulfing both of them. "I'm_trying_ to make an artificial explosion."

Idle curiosity became genuine interest. "Fun. How goes it?"

"Well, explosions have an unfortunate tendency to fly out in all directions."

"To explode, in other words."

"...Anyway, I can barely keep it together _and_ keep it going."

"Hmm..." The chaos spirit considered the issue. "Well, normally I'd say 'When in doubt, make a bigger explosion,' but that seems like it's going to be rather counterproductive here."

Lauren nodded. "And I tried going small. Got some sparks that held together, but they fizzled out fairly quickly. Not what I was going for."

Discord shrugged. "Well, I'm not sure what to tell you, Laurie. I'm not usually one for making things last."

"That's it!"

"What's it?"

"Well, you know how..." The alicorn grew subdued. "How Mom meant to make you but not me?"

Her brother scowled. "I will not have you using that kind of denigrating language about yourself." The curve of his mouth flipped. "Leave it to us professionals."

This got an appreciative chuckle. "I love you too, Dis. Anyway, the point is that I showed up anyway. I think that's a rule we can't change: There has to be a balance."

Discord harrumphed. A truly immutable law of the universe? Challenge accepted. But not right now. "So?"

"So, I need a counterbalance for the explosion ball." Lauren's horn became encased in darkness so profound that it made the surrounding void literally pale in comparison. Hints of color played along the aura's edge in a conical aurora. Her magic began attracting particles from throughout the universe into a clump before the twins.

"Where are you getting it all?" asked the draconequus.

"All those explosions of yours leave smoke and ash. It adds up after a while." The redhead stopped once the dustball was as big as her head. "Now..." Another ball of fire burst into existence. Its creator beamed in triumph. "It's easier now." The two spheres began to circle one another. "Much easier."

"Excellent!" The chaos spirit watched his sister rather than her work. Her smile was slowly sinking into a disappointed frown. "Er, it _is_ excellent, isn't it?"

In reply, the alicorn stopped focusing. The fireball promptly burst, sending a plume of dust into space. "It's still not self-sustaining." She growled, "I don't get it! I had the balance going and everything! Hot and cold, matter and energy, light and darkness—"

"Order and chaos?" Discord gave a rather sinister grin. "Make them again. Don't spin them this time."

"You've got an idea?"

"I think so."

Gathering the dust again was a simple affair, and its antipode was easily reignited. "Go for it."

The draconequus stuck a claw in each orb and plucked out a pinch of dust and a mote of plasma. With an "Alley oop!" the minute amounts were each placed in the center of the other ball.

The effect was almost immediate. Both orbs started to spin on their axes, collapsing in on themselves. When they stabilized shortly thereafter, each had become a discrete solid of half its original diameter. The fireball had turned pink, the dust clump blue.

Discord poked the blue one. "Squishy," he observed.

Lauren was astonished. "Did you know that this would happen?"

Her brother, now juggling the mystery balls, fixed her with an incredulous stare. "Are you kidding? I was hoping that they would _both_ explode."

The order spirit gave a flat look of her own, then magically snared her creations. Bringing them to her, she chided, "Careful with them."

"Why? You know how to make more."

"Because I don't want to have to make more." She considered the balls. "I get the feeling that these are important." Her eyes widened. "Whoa."

This fanned Discord's sputtering interest. "What?"

"They're absorbing my magic." Lauren watched closely. When she didn't intensify the aura to compensate, it didn't shrink. Instead, the orbs slowly expanded, leaving the outer edge of the telekinesis unmoved. "They're growing with it."

"The pink one's faster," noted the chaos spirit.

"It had more energy to start with." When the rosy ball was half again as wide as when it solidified, it stopped drinking in its maker's magic. A minute or so later (for a familiar definition of a minute,) its counterpart followed suit.

"Well, that was interesting," said Discord, almost meaning it. "Want to go quantum foam surfing?"

The answer was distant and distracted. "I think I'll stay here for a while."

This got a shrug. "Suit yourself."

* * *

><p>As Discord continued to tweak, warp, detonate, and otherwise mess around with reality, Lauren stayed with the balls. She soon grew tired of how they tended to drift away from her without constant supervision, so she willed a solid surface into existence. Gravity, friction, and inertia were crafted for the sake of convenience.<p>

As she lay on the solid, orbs staying still at her side, the alicorn considered this new creation. Usually, she was too busy having fun to worry about details, but right now she had nothing but time. The surface was that and that alone: a surface. It had no real color or texture, shape or material. It just _was_, because all she had told it to do was to be.

It had been enough for her purposes before, but now it struck her as sloppy and unimaginative. Lauren began to consider the possibilities. Suppose it was soft and yielding, like the balls?

She immediately sank into the now unresisting surface, her legs suddenly trapped by her own body weight. Another thought undid the transmutation. "Okay," she admitted, "bad idea."

So, maybe not _that_ soft, but not the obnoxious hardness of something purely defined by being an impassable barrier. But what?

Morphic resonance is a strange phenomenon that can be summarized as a magically enforced version of "form defines function." Though Lauren was a quasiphysical manifestation of order and reason, though she knew of little beyond the abstract and the cosmic, she was still a pony. On an instinctual level, she knew what she wanted. So she made it.

Still chuckling to himself as he returned to macroscopic size, Discord flipped to a new page in the spiral notebook. "Note to self:" he dictated, "Bolt cutters plus gluons equals _hilarity_!" Satisfied, he ate his notes. They tasted like cake.

"Now, let's see if Lauren's still fussing over those balls of... hers?" The draconequus trailed off, gaping at the enormous orb of rock before him. The scale was beyond anything either sibling had ever wrought. He felt a strange blend of awe, fraternal pride, and a hint of fear.

After staring at the thing for some time, he felt the need to restore some dignity. Preferably with snark. "Well, that's new."

* * *

><p>Pinkie noticed the wall clock. "Omigosh, look at the time! I've gotta get going. I need to help the Cakes get everything ready for a big wedding this weekend!<p>

"Now!" cried Twilight. "But what about the rest of the story? What were those balls? What happened to this 'Faust' pony? How do you know all of these details if you weren't there for most of it?"

The party pony shook her head, a condescending smile on her lips. "Oh, Twilight. Those are _entirely_ the wrong sorts of questions. 'How do I know the details,' how do you think? I asked." She looked back at the clock and anxiously bit her lip. "But seriously, I gotta go _now_." She zipped through the front door, one last shouted sentence Clopplering in her wake. "I'll tell you the rest later!"

The unicorn groaned in frustration. "Confound that pony, she hinders science!"

"I should probably go too," noted Ditzy. "I'll see when Pinkie and I share a hole in our schedules and get back to you."

Twilight smiled gratefully. "Could you? It's a nightmare trying to work her into my itinerary myself."

"Not a problem."

"Oh, and Ditzy?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you know about... about any of this?"

The pegasus shook her head. "No, but now that I do, it makes a frightening amount of sense."

* * *

><p>Rest assured, there's more to this story, and it will be provided. Just not immediately. The next story will be rather less cosmological in scope, but also more immediately relevant to the story of Elementals of Harmony.<p>

**Card of the Chapter:  
><strong>Planar Synthesis 6UUU  
>Sorcery<br>Each player shuffles his or her hand, graveyard, and all permanents he or she owns into his or her library, then draws seven cards. Each player may put any number of permanent cards in his or her hand onto the battlefield, then draws that many cards. Empty all mana pools. Exile Planar Synthesis.

**Closed Time Loop Bonus - Plane of the Chapter:  
><strong>Equestria  
>Plane — Ungula<br>All creature cards not on the battlefield, all creature spells, and all creatures are Ponies in addition to their other types.  
>Whenever you roll (chaos), you may search your library for a Pony card, reveal it, and put it into your hand. Then shuffle your library.<p>

Next in the Sideboard of Harmony: No Such Pony, No Such Zone


	3. No Such Pony, No Such Zone

Hello, all. Today we delay the story of how Equestria was made for the sake of, in an oblique sense, that of how Dinky was. Or, at the very least, the fate of one of her makers. This chapter is a two-fer in terms of answered questions. Namely, "What happened to Address Unknown?" and "How does Ditzy have a son-in-law for her mom to meet?"

Naturally, it will raise still more questions, but there's really no helping that. Well, I suppose there might be, but what fun would that be?

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Magic: the Gathering, the works of Elvis Presley or Mark James, or The Big Bang Theory (The show, that is. I think the actual cosmic origin postulate is in the public domain, but don't quote me on that.)

* * *

><p>The planeswalkers of Ponyville sat in Ditzy Doo's living room. Between them was more than five thousand years of unimaginable experience, the friendship of dozens of other travelers of the æther, and knowledge of countless spells that the scholars of Canterlot would consider against the understood laws of magic, nature, andor decency. And a teapot.

"So," asked Ditzy, "how about next Thursday?"

Pinkie considered it, then shook her head. "No can do. It's Silver Platter's birthday and she's actually in Ponyville for once. I couldn't miss that party."

The pegasus nodded. "If only for her daughter's sake."

"Oh, Spoon's not a bad filly. She's a good influence on Diamond Tiara."

This prompted a raised eyebrow. "And Barrin was a good influence on Urza."

The party pony gave a wry grin. "Well, if Tiara starts building a robot army, we can worry."

Both laughed at the mental image. Ditzy swirled the dregs in her cup. "Seriously, though. I'd like to get the rest of the story. I mean, you literally _made_ Equestria! How could I not?"

"Well, I made Ungula. Equestria was Faust's work. Though the author does tend to use the latter as a synecdoche for the former." Pinkie added a bit more tea to her sugar as the grey mare decided it best not to ask. "Anyway, the point is that you promised Twilight that you'd find a hole in all our schedules and she'd go full-on Cream of Wheat if she wasn't there for the rest."

"'Cream of Wheat'?"

"Even crazier than oatmeal."

Ditzy considered this. "So where does 'mutant energy being' rate on the hot cereal scale?"

"Ooh, tough one..." The earth mare sipped a mixture that would destroy lesser pancreases. "I don't think they make one that crazy." She paused a moment more, coming to a decision. "Hay, while we're off topic?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I'm kinda working on something for you, but I need some information from you before I can go any further."

"What do you need?"

Pinkie nervously spun the teacup in her hooves. "Promise you won't be mad?"

Ditzy held back a sigh. That was Pinkie for you. One minute she's revealing ancient cosmic wisdom, the next she's acting like she's Dinky's age. "I promise."

"Cross your heart, hope to..." The other planeswalker trailed off, faced against the logistic conflict of the Pinkie Swear when applied to pegasi. She grinned sheepishly. "Um, I'll take your word for it. Anyway, I kinda need to know what... what happened to Address."

"Oh." Funny, the blonde didn't recall putting any lead in the tea. Why the sudden dead weight in her stomach?

"I-if it's too personal—"

"No, no, it's fine." Ditzy sighed. "If I can't tell you, I couldn't tell anypony." She took a deep breath, steadying herself for the memories. "I was about eight months pregnant with Dinky..."

* * *

><p>Ditzy loved her husband, but he was doing an awful lot of hovering for a wingless pony. "Are you <em>sure<em> you're going to be alright?" he asked for what felt like the twentieth time that morning.

The pegasus rolled her eyes. "Address, look at my flank."

"Honey, you're beautiful and I love you, but—"

"I said 'look at my flank,' not 'mount me.'"

"Okay," he said uncertainly, "I'm looking."

"What do you see?"

"Bubbles." The unicorn had no idea where his wife was going with this.

"Not a 'Fragile' stamp?"

Now he did. Ears drooping, Address sighed, "No..."

"Then I'll be fine." Ditzy gave the stallion a peck on the cheek. "It's just a routine checkup. You've got nothing to worry about and a post office that needs running."

He gave one last plantive look. "Could you at least stop by to say hello on your way back home?"

"Promise not to delay delivery until I do?"

The unicorn smirked. "I promise nothing."

The gravid mare gave a good-natured sigh. "Then I'll just have to tell Nurse Icehooves to make it a rush job, for the sake of everypony's mail."

Address nuzzled her gratefully. "See that you do. Love you, Derpy Girl."

"Love you, Stud Muffin."

* * *

><p>Ditzy left the hospital pleased, if still unpleasantly chilly in some personal areas. She was on track for having a beautiful, healthy foal in just ten short weeks. Furthermore, once she delivered, she wouldn't fly like a stunned cow anymore. "Trouble before you're even born," she whispered. "This better not be a sign of things to come, my little pony."<p>

Her maternal reflections were interrupted by bumping against somepony else. "Sorry!" _Way to go, Ditzy,_ she thought, _only other pony in the street and you manage to knock into him._

"Hmmph," grunted the stallion. "Cursed place. Twisting body, twisting mind. Dare mock the mad? Hmmph."

"Ooookay, backing away now..."

As Ditzy did so, the grizzled pegasus spoke again. "Halt!" The voice suddenly carried so much authority, the mare found herself obeying before she could even think. "You. You carry the scent of power."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Ha!" It wasn't really a laugh, more of a shout that happened to sound like one. "You? Beg? You need not beg." The bizarre pony began to pace around Ditzy. She noted his cutie mark, a glowering dragon's head. He pressed on. "No, you are a wolf among lambs. A dragon amidst newts." He stopped in front of her, pausing in his rant as he came to some mad epiphany. "A dragon? The dragon spoke of a dragon. Could it be? Could it not?"

The blonde moved to one side. "Um, I'll just..."

One of his wings snapped open to block her path, seemingly without his notice. Ditzy's eyes widened as she took in the appendage. It was a thing of skin and scales. This pony had the wings of a dragon.

Oblivious to her terror, he continued his raving. "Told to seek dragon, but not brooding mother. No, hatchling is what the dragon wants. But the egg has not hatched. What now, madman?" The dreadlocked stallion nodded to himself. "We wait."

A chill ran down the mare's spine. "Madman," he'd said. Mad_man_. This was no pony. This was a planeswalker. "What are you doing here?" she asked warily.

He gave another shout-laugh, staring into the distance. "She asks wisely. What brings the grown man to the land of ponies?" He wheeled to face her. "Innocence? Whimsy? Friendship? Ha!" With every word, he stomped forward, forcing her to back away. "No, it is the dragon that brought me here. He holds the madman's leash, he sics his mad dog on this world of prey. And the dragon's quarry is you."

"M-me?" Ditzy skimmed through her memories of the Multiverse. She certainly would've remembered attracting the attention of a dragon. Wouldn't she? "What dragon?"

"Dark dragon. Smart dragon. Giant wyrm of hate." A hint of fear came to the disheveled pony's bloodshot eyes. His words grew hushed. "Elder dragon. 'Walker dragon. Rules our fate."

She blanched. Tezzeret had hinted at a draconic superior. The Myojin had given it a name. Jace had told her its story. The oldest, cruelest, most powerful being in the known Multiverse. "Bola—"

"**NO!**" A hoof slammed over her mouth."Speak not the name! He will hear. He will see."

From what she'd heard, Ditzy didn't doubt it. Moving the limb aside, she asked, "Why me?"

This struck the mad planeswalker as the height of comedy. His laughter was harsh, brutish, and long, interspersed with breathless repetitions of "Why me?"

The blonde decided to take the opportunity to move away, resuming her course to the post office. Even if she wanted to have a duel in the middle of Ponyville, she was in no condition to do so. With her body busy nurturing another life, her magic was as slow and clumsy as her flight.

She didn't get far before the transformed madman pounced in front of her. "Why you?" he snapped. "Why you? Why anyone? Why anything? The dragon wants. The dragon gets. To ask why is folly. Come with me."

"Why? Where?"

"The egg must hatch."

Much as she wished she didn't, Ditzy understood. This crazed minion had convinced himself that one of the most ancient evils of all time wanted her child. She crouched and flared her wings. "Not on your life."

He snorted and smacked himself. "Fool! Egg thief! Mother guards the nest."

"You'd better believe she does." Slowly, she felt the mana coalesce. She just had to keep talking to him, keep him distracted.

"Mother guards the nest. Mother _is_ the nest." He grinned, arcane fires bursting to life in his eyes. He began to bulge, his voice deepening as his body reshaped itself. "Take the mother. Take the nest. Take the mammal."

Ditzy braced herself, but she knew it was an empty bluff. All of her available resources were devoted to the one spell still taking shape at a snail's pace. She was pretty much helpless.

Then something went straight through one of her adversary's leathery wings. With a noise that was half pained whinny, half furious roar, he shrank back to his still formidable equine form, then whirled around. "Who!"

"Me." Address Unknown pawed at the ground, surrounded by a swarm of magically suspended envelopes.

The dragon mage hesitated for a moment, confused. Then his nostrils flared and he sneered in comprehension. "Broodmate comes to protect his clutch! Think you a hellkite, little drake?"

The unicorn said nothing. The letter he'd sent through one wing rose again and threaded through the other as he recalled it.

Enraged, the other stallion charged, flames licking out of his muzzle. As he exhaled a torrent of flame, the mailpony vanished.

He reappeared next to Ditzy and gave her a kiss. "I thought I'd run into you if I started the route now."

She was still processing his arrival. "You can teleport?"

Address smirked. "I teleport mail to other cities all the time."

"You can teleport _yourself_?"

"Not far or easily, but... Ditz, this really isn't the time." He looked back at the dragon-winged pony, who was trying to incinerate the swarm of messages that were slicing through air and skin alike. "What's with this pony?"

"He's insane."

"That much I gathered."

His wife sighed. "Look, it's a long story, and I'll tell you if we're still alive afterwards."

This cracked the expecting father's confidence. "'If'?"

Ditzy thought it best to change the subject. "Do you see that glowy patch right in front of us?" Her spell had finally progressed to the point of visibility, though at the moment that meant it made an area of dirt road brighter than usual.

"Yeah..."

"Get him in there. It's our best hope."

"If you say so, Derpy Girl."

She pecked him on the cheek. "Good luck."

"I'll need it," admitted Address. "There goes the last of the junk mail."

As the ashen remains of a Publishers' Clearing Barn entry form fluttered around him, the mad stallion turned back to the couple. His wings were ragged and his body filiggreed with paper cuts, but any pain he felt only fueled his rage. "You have no more fangs, drake."

"None I'm willing to lose," corrected the mailpony. His magic brought something out of his saddlebags. "But I still have these."

The planeswalker's gaze locked onto the new threat. He spat a stream of flame at it.

Address simply moved it to hover over the other shoulder, trying to ignore the coat-singing heat.

"You're just distracting him," whispered Ditzy, "right?"

"Nope." Both spouses ducked as a wider swathe of fire passed over them, its caster slowly approaching.

"You really think you can beat him with a roll of stamps?"

"Watch me. Go right!"

The two ran in different directions, avoiding a blistering pulse of energy that left a thin molten trail in its wake. Faced with seperate targets, the dragon mage opted for his objective, moving to intercept the pregnant mare.

"Wrong choice, buddy!"

Sarkhan Vol looked behind him. The mate had looped around and was charging him, horn down. The madman sneered. His matted tail reshaped itself into a dragon's maw and belched fire at the fool.

Amazingly, the fool ran straight through the flames, not even flinching. The planeswalker halted in astonishment and the slightest bit of grudging respect. He could see the shining burns, the still smouldering coat, but the pony seemed not to care.

The minion soon cursed his weakness, for once he was still, the beast's paltry magic wrapped its talismans around his waist with surprising speed. Vol turned fully, snapping the fragile length of paper, and drew heavily on his mana bonds. It was time to see just how much dragonfire this insect could withstand.

Address had different plans. As the other stallion took a deep breath, he plowed into him. One foreleg pinching his foe's throat shut, the mailpony channeled the most magic he ever had. The loop of stamps that wrapped around the pegasus's barrel came out to enough postage to send something to the Moon and back. As his horn flared into overglow, the purple pony could feel that it was more than enough to convince his magic that this was just another package. Half-blind from his own display, he thrust himself and his fearsome freight through space with a shout of "Special delivery!"

As Ditzy watched, both stallions materialized just as her oblivion ring finally finished forming. To her eyes and her horror, planeswalker, pony, and prison seemed to explode in a blinding display. When her vision cleared, there was no trace of any of them.

* * *

><p>"After I had Dinky, I checked out the spot every way I knew, but it was as if nothing had ever happened." The pegasus shook her head. "I didn't know what else I could do. Officially, Address was missing, presumed dead. What could I say?" She sighed. "The one thing I still don't understand is why nopony else ever looked out their window or something."<p>

Pinkie considered this. "What day was it?"

"Megan eighteenth, 5868. I'll never forget that day." Ditzy frowned, perplexed. "Why do you ask?"

The party pony nodded to herself, confirming something against her vast database of festivities past, present, and future. "There was a block party on the other side of town. Given who'd attended, the area near the post office would've been just about deserted."

"Oh..." The blonde slumped. "Why'd you need to know this, anyway?"

Pinkie grinned. "Well, if I didn't know where he went, how could I get him back?"

So great was her shock that Ditzy's eyes were perfectly aligned for the rest of the day.

* * *

><p><em>One week later<em>

"So you're sure this will get Address back?" Ditzy looked over the "ritual space" skeptically.

"Of course I'm sure!" gushed Pinkie. "I even consulted the Mystical Orb of Fate's Destiny (patent pending.)"

The pegasus glanced at the indicated crystal ball. She couldn't detect anything magical about it, but this _was _Pinkie Pie. Ditzy wouldn't have been surprised if the party pony could scry through a bowl of cake frosting.

The earth pony continued to bustle about the tent. "Just leave this to the professional," she continued, "I'll have your hubby back in two shakes of a blinking jiffy!"

"Well, if you're sure..."

The pink mare frowned at her fellow planeswalker. "I sense doubt in you."

Ditzy's eyes went to opposite corners of the tent. "It's just that this doesn't exactly feel... reputable." No, it seemed... "mystical." Not the sort of atmosphere she'd felt around the genuinely mystic, but an amalgamation of candles, dream catchers, incense burners, and other foofaraw with which gullible unicorns would surround themselves, thinking that it would make them more powerful. Pinkie's Roamany outfit and the quartet of Screwballs didn't help the credibility.

"Mugwump," added one of the quasiponies, garbed like her comrades in a face-concealing black robe.

Pinkie scoffed at the grey mare's skepticism. "Who cares how it looks as long as it works?" Her expression soured as she adjusted her turban. "Still, I will not perform the ritual with such a Doubty McDoubterson present. Vamoose."

"But he's my—"

"Vamoose!"

"All right, all right, I'm vamoosing!"

As Ditzy vamoosed, she heard the party pony shout "Alright, girls, let's make Mark Rosewater cry!"

This prompted a low, surprisingly synchronized chant by the avatars of discord. "Ooga chaka ooga ooga, ooga chaka ooga ooga..."

The pegasus looked back at the tent. A haze the color of coagulating blood began to pour out of the flaps. She hoped it was mana and not smoke from a poorly placed candle.

A fifth voice cut in over the avatars' chant. It was presumably Pinkie's, but seemed far deeper than her vocal range should've allowed. "I can't stop this feeling..."

The haze poured out of the tent with greater urgency, seeming to reach out towards Ditzy.

"Deep inside of me..."

She tried to move further back, but was quickly engulfed. She thought to take flight, but she was choking on the cloying fumes before she could do more than unfold her wings.

"Girl, you just don't realize what you do to me."

The blonde noted the aptness of the incantation just before she passed out.

* * *

><p>Ditzy drifted, as though in a dream. Nothing seemed entirely real. Sounds were muted by the ongoing chant. Vision, smell, and taste were all constrained by the curious smoke, which was sufficiently cloudlike to impede touch as well. Even her uniquely pegasine senses felt uncalibrated and ambiguous, direction and altitude as uncertain as for a pony lost in the Everfree.<p>

Even the flow of time felt vague, but eventually, wonderfully concrete sensations broke through the haze. Strong limbs held her tight against a firm chest. Muffled words in a familiar voice tickled her ears. Lips she knew so well pressed against hers, sweeter than any candy.

Seconds, hours, months... Ditzy couldn't say how much more time she spent exulting in the feelings. Whenever it was that she regained lucidity, she immediately noticed three things. One, she was back in the tent. Two, the singing avatars were nowhere to be seen, while Pinkie was dabbing at her eyes with a hoofkerchief. Three, Ditzy herself was on her side, her limbs entwined with those of a pony she had last seen in a space beyond space.

Hesitantly, she nuzzled the seemingly familiar stallion. The words caught in her throat a few times before she was able to force them out. "Address? Is that really you?"

"Exact postage or it's goin' nowhere," came the sleepy reply.

The pegasus practically squeezed the life out of her husband. She then looked to the earth pony. "Pinkie, I don't think we'll ever be able to repay for what you've done today."

The other planeswalker blew her nose, then smiled. It wasn't her usual incandescent beam, but a warm expression that spoke of a sublime, loving joy. "Be happy with one another. That's my only price."

Ditzy turned back to the unicorn in her hooves. "I think we can handle that."

* * *

><p>The reaction of Dinky's peers to her cutie mark had been... mixed. The Crusaders thought it was cool, but beneath their enthusiasm was the undercurrent of jealousy they felt towards everypony who left the ranks of the blank flanks. Other unicorns had been wary. Most were still mastering the basics of magic, and to them, Dinky represented the very equinification of their difficulties and frustrations. Even those who were confident with their horns seemed to avoid her. She had realized that simply knowing that she could hinder their magic shot their confidence, which made their magic worse, which they of course blamed on her. Nopony said anything out loud, but the looks spoke volumes.<p>

Yet for all the envy and scorn, neither group was quite as bad as the others. The earth ponies and pegasi just didn't seem to get it. To them, her talent seemed to be the absence of one. After all, what was the point of a unicorn who made things _less_ magical? The very image of the sputtering wand suggested to them that something was wrong with its bearer. As Diamond Tiara had so succinctly put it, "It's a dud, just like you."

With the beginning of school, all of these attitudes were heaped on her at once. Miss Cherrilee had been encouraging, of course, but it was clear that she was just trying to cheer Dinky up. "I'm sure there's more to your cutie mark than just stopping magic." Really? Did she think that the filly couldn't read between the lines?

Needless to say, the end of the school day had come as a relief. As the other foals stampeded out of the schoolhouse, she trudged, weighed down by her peers' dismissal.

As the filly sighed, she heard her mother. "Muffin?" Ditzy asked concernedly. "What's wrong?"

Her gaze fixed on the ground, Dinky answered, "Everypony thinks my special talent is stupid."

The two began to walk home. "Countermagic is a divisive topic," acknowledged the pegasus. "Some think it's just mean. Others couldn't live without it."

"But that's in the big, dangerous, exciting Monkeyverse," grumbled the unicorn.

"Multiverse, sweetie."

"Whatever. Equestria's nice and happy and peaceful. Nopony here needs somepony who just ruins everything."

"Even in a seemingly gentle place, some things need ruining."

The filly glared at the dirt, unconvinced. "Like what?"

Ditzy smiled, then feigned deep concentration. "What was it again? You were _so_ excited to tell me this morning."

"It doesn't matter..."

Mother nudged daughter. "Humor me, Grumpy Muffin."

Dinky sighed, then monotonously recited, "Poison joke, when properly prepared, could probably act as a cure for the gaze of a cockatrice, 'cause it'll take a stoned pony and make them into a silly one. Because puns." She shrugged. "But that's obvious."

"Really? Because when I mentioned it to Miss Twilight, she spent the next hour in her lab and came back covered in chalk dust, raving about how my little muffin had just revolutionized botanical medicine."

This got the filly's attention away from the ground. "Really?"

"Yup."

She scrunched up her face in confusion. "But.. but anypony could've figured that out."

"Anypony with an intuitive understanding of how magic comes together and how it falls apart." The mailmare beamed with pride. "Those ponies are few and far between."

The two continued in silence, Dinky deep in thought. As they neared home, she spoke up again. "Why'd you go to Miss Twilight? Was it just 'cause of what I said?"

"Partly," answered Ditzy. "Another part was that not all of her mail comes through Spike. And the other part is in my saddlebag." She opened the container and passed its contents to her daughter.

The filly held the book in her azure aura and examined the cover. "The Young Unicorn's Guide to Physics: An Introduction to the Rules You Were Born to Break"

"Or in your case," noted her mother, "to enforce."

The young unicorn's face split into a massive grin. "Wow!"

"And there's one more thing."

"What? What?"

Ditzy opened their front door. An older male unicorn walked out. He gave an awkward smile, clearly unsure what to do. "Hey, kiddo. Good to finally meet you."

Dinky's jaw dropped. The book fell to the ground, forgotten. She was silent for a moment, reworking what had been an abstract concept in her mind. "...Daddy?"

"I... I know I haven't been here for you or your mom," said Address, "but it wasn't because I didn't want to be here. And I promise that I'm not going to leave you again for a long, long time."

For all his daughter cared, he could've declared himself Emperor of Yugoatslavia. "Daddy!"

As the child he just met nuzzled him as though she'd known him all her life, Address Unknown looked to his wife, tears in his eyes. "I'm really home."

Streams running down her own cheeks, Ditzy nodded and joined in the embrace. "You are."

* * *

><p>Remember, folks: That is not dead which can removed from the game lie. And with strange ponies, even Rosewater's protests over interacting with the exile zone may die.<p>

**Things I Made Up This Chapter:  
><strong>Equinification (eh-KWINE-uh-fuh-kay-shun) _n. _1. The pony-shaped embodiment of an abstract concept. 2. A pony who embodies an attribute or concept. 3. The act of representing an abstract in pony form.  
>The Publishers' Clearing Barn: You could already be a winner!<p>

**Card of the Chapter:  
><strong>To Here From Eternity XWU  
>Sorcery<br>Put onto target face-up exiled nonland card a number of time counters equal to that card's converted mana cost minus X. If that card has no time counters on it, put a time counter on it. If it doesn't have suspend, it gains suspend. _(If a negative number of counters would be put on that card, instead put no counters on it.)_

Next in the Sideboard of Harmony: Fiat Harmonia


	4. Fiat Harmonia

Alright, that's enough teasing it out. Time to finish explaining just how Equestria was made.

* * *

><p>"Okay." Twilight smiled. Finally, the time had arrived. Finding a common time to discuss the creation of the universe had taken almost two months, three false starts, four friendship reports, and what would forever be known as "The Cutie Mark Crusader Spellcasters Incident."<p>

But at last, she, Pinkie, and Ditzy had gotten together, and the party pony would complete her tale. The unicorn had even ordered a prototype audiocrystal recorder from Canterlot for posterity. "Testing. Testing. Celestia summons six seraphs singing sea shanties."

"Maybe we should just hear the rest of the story first," suggested Ditzy. "That way, Pinkie doesn't have to repeat herself while we don't know the whole story."

Twilight hesitated. Expedite the revelation, or play with her new toy? Er, scientific apparatus. Of science. And not play. She couldn't decide, so she passed the bit. "Pinkie, do you have a preference?"

The earth mare nodded. "Let's just finish the story. We can record it offscreen." Before either other pony could ask, she pressed on. "So, Faust had just created the planet, and Discord had just discovered it. Now he needed to find her..."

* * *

><p>Despite the unprecedented scale involved, Discord quickly located his sister. The two were like magnetic poles, drawn to one another by their complementary nature.<p>

Oh, and she was the only light source on or around the dirtball. There was that too.

In any case, the draconequus came down from on high, applauding the alicorn's work. "Well done, Laurie, well done. I'm not certain as to how, what, or why, but the sheer magnitude clearly deserves some praise. Really, it's about time that..." He trailed off once he realized that the order spirit hadn't even tried to get in a word edgewise. That wasn't at all normal behavior for her. Given who and what she was, that constituted one of the rare abnormalities that her brother thought of as a bad thing.

"Laurie?" Discord leaned down and picked up one of the prone pony's legs by the pastern. He gave it a halfhearted shake and let go. It fell back into the dirt. "Lauren?" He brought himself face-to-face with her. Her eyes were shut. Her body was rising and falling in a rhythm he found mildly irritating in its regularity. "Sister?" She was either unaware of him or simply ignoring him, and he wasn't sure which he would rather be the case.

The embodiment of chaos sat and thought for a moment. His beloved sibling had done something incredible, yet at the same time had rendered herself woefully _boring_. There was clearly only one illogical recourse: Destroy what she had wrought! Surely the opposite cause would have the opposite effect! (Ugh, causality. So predictably linear. But Father _had_insisted, who was Discord to complain? Well, himself, obviously, but that was increasingly besides the point.)

His plan determined as much as he could stomach, the spirit began gathering ruinous power into his mismatched claws. Oh, he _might_have been able to dissolve the giant chunk of earth with a snap, but where was the fun in that? Something as magnificent as this deserved an equally magnificent sendoff, and by Father's shiny bald head, he would give it one!

Thankfully for the future of the plane, Discord was distracted by something shiny before he could unleash the entropic maelstrom. Annihilative energies evaporating along with his focus, he noticed the two balls that had been Lauren's constant companions of late. He grinned. Perhaps his sister's unresponsiveness could be resolved by more subtle means. And if it couldn't? Well, nothing was more alluring than that which was forbidden.

Whistling innocently (and horribly off-key), he let his gaze fall on them as if by accident. "Oh, goodness me," cooed the draconequus, "would you look at that? Dear Laurie's little plump balls of delight. Why, perhaps I'll take them apart and see just what makes them so squeezably soft."

He turned away, eagle talon against his forehead. "Nay! Nay, I must not. They are the treasured possessions of my treasured sister, and countless treasured times has she told me not to practice my destructive urges upon them."

He turned back, eyes gleaming with a wide spectrum of emotions of varying speakabilities. "Ah, but the _fun_that could be had if I did!"

Away. "No, no, you cruel monster! Think of the time, the effort she expended in crafting such plush perfection!"

Back. "Think of the incalculable delight in tearing it to shreds!"

"No!" "Yes!" "_No!_" "_Yes!_"

He broke from the routine to hazard a peek at Lauren. She was still in that peculiar repose of hers. Discord pouted. If _that_didn't get a rise out of her, then either she discovered some vast unknown reserve of self-control or she really was unaware of her surroundings. Or maybe it wasn't as funny as he'd thought. The chaos spirit dismissed this last thought, inconceivable even by his standards. Even if he had just conceived of it. Internal consistency was for lesser creatures.

In any case, he brought his attention back to the blue and pink lumps. Somehow, actually _doing_something with them seemed less satisfying than being melodramatic about whether or not to do something with them. Oh well, he was committed now. With a shrug, he reached for them.

Before he touched them, both orbs suddenly popped, gas hissing out of them as they deflated. Discord snatched his forelimbs back. "Were they supposed to that?" he thought aloud.

"Supposed to do what?"

For the second time in his life, the draconequus felt fear. Lauren had returned to the land of the interesting just in time to see her brother standing before her suddenly sagging spheres. Should he vanish? No, surely she would assume the worst. Discord had never seen his sister angry - really, truly _furious_– before, and he didn't want the first time to be directed at him.

Going against his every impulse and instinct save for his drive to continue existing, the spirit of chaos looked to that of order and unhesitatingly told the complete, honest truth:

"This isn't what it looks like."

No one said he'd be good at it.

Thankfully, Lauren was still waking up. "What isn't what it looks like?"

"I know it looks like I fiddled with those funbags of yours, but—"

Discord was fairly certain there was more to that sentence, but it seemed to escape him as he watched his sister look between him and her balls. Calmly, quietly, evenly, like the mechanisms of a jail cell door's lock sliding into place, she asked, "What happened?"

He swallowed. Her dialogue attribution had gone into an elaborate simile. That was never a good sign. "As far as I can tell, they popped like a pair of heavy-duty balloons and roused you from your whatever-you-were-doing."

"It's called 'sleep,'" the alicorn said absently. "You should try it sometime."

Denying her anything seemed unwise at the moment. "...We'll see."

"It's a lot more interesting to do it yourself than watch someone else." Lauren considered the sagging skins of her first complex creations. She really did believe that her brother had nothing to do with whatever had happened to them, but that left her with no explanation for what had taken place. Or, for that matter, why. Morosely, she nudged the pink one with her muzzle.

It nudged back.

The order spirit recoiled a bit, then poked at its blue counterpart. It responded in kind. She looked to Discord. "You aren't—"

He fervently shook his head. "Your guess is as good as mine."

She turned back to the wriggling sacks just in time to see them begin to glow. The pink one was familiar, the same incandescent plasma that had formed it in the first place. But the blue one...

The background was familiar, the same void that the siblings had grown up in. But the points of light, the delicate plays of color and form against that cosmic background, it was like nothing either embodiment had ever seen. For Discord, it was a fleeting curiosity.

For Lauren, it was water to one who had never known she had thirsted.

As the outer skins finished sublimating, they revealed their occupants. Four tiny eyes peered out at the wide world. Four tiny wings felt their first breeze. Two tiny horns tasted the ambient energies of a universe that had been waiting for them.

"What—" Discord never got past the first syllable. The newborns erupted in a double helix of astronomical power, white and black intertwining as they rose together into the sky. There was an incredible flare, a burst of radiation that would've wiped out any mortal life on the plane.

When their vision cleared, the spirits of order and chaos beheld a black disk outlined in brilliant light. The foals, meanwhile, yawned and fell asleep in each others' hooves.

After some time, the draconequus broke the stunned silence. "Lauren?"

"Yes, Discord?"

"What just happened?"

"I have no idea."

"Good. I was afraid that I was the only one."

"I think we should call Mom and Dad."

"I think you're right. And that frightens me."

"Me too, Dis. Me too." Lauren fished the locket out of its dimensional pocket, which she'd formed to keep the keepsake safe from her brother. Focusing her will through the pendant, the alicorn felt her awareness escape her body, then the universe entirely. It drifted, blind and deaf, through incomprehensible expanses. Purpose guided it to a comforting presence. As the order spirit neared the familiar essence of her mother, sensation returned. Strange colors played in her vision, writhing meaninglessly. The sounds made more sense, though they came from everywhere and nowhere.

**Niv... Niv! I don't care how many nephilim you suplexed, you can't stay at my place.**

I don't _care_if you did the math, Niv. It could come out to a simonplex and it still wouldn't matter. Rule of Awesome doesn't apply when they haven't even made the sun yet! Look, what about Nic?

Yes, I know he's an asshat, but he's _our_asshat. That's got to count for something.

Uh huh.

Oh. Oh, well. That kinda changes things then... What about Intet?

Well, you didn't seem to mind the risk of a paradox when you wanted _me_to give you a room.

So she's a little granola!

Okay, so she's a _lot_granola, she'd still sit up and roll over if it was you asking.

For a scientist, you can be awfully unobservant at times.

Yes, I'm sure they haven't made the sun yet! Don't you think I'd know whether or not my plane has a sun?

"Um, Mom?"

**Oh! Speak of the executive producer and they'll name a God Card after him.**

Yes, Niv, I know that's the wrong card game. I have my daughter on the other line.

If you go to Intet's place, you'll have an excuse to blow up stuff with Numot.

Yeah, I thought so. Later.

Sorry about that, sweetie. One does not simply hang up on Niv-Mizzet. What's up?

"Well, I... actually, I think it'd be easiest if you just saw for yourself."

**Of course. How silly of me to think that _my only daughter_ might call me for any reason other than an emergency.**

"Mom..."

**Oh, I'm teasing. I'll be there faster than you can say—**

* * *

><p>"Hi, Lauren!"<p>

The alicorn jumped, her consciousness abruptly returned to her body. Sure enough, there was Pinkie Pie in all her poofy glory, taking in the scenery. "Nice, you've really been making progress." She looked up and tilted her head. "Why the eclipse?"

"'Eclipse'?"

"You know, the moon in front of the sun and all."

"You mean that's not one thing?"

The planeswalker sighed. "Alright, who made 'em?"

"Um..." The redhead answered the question with a pointed hoof.

In that direction lay Discord, attempting to wrangle a pair of newborn alicorns into something that might resemble control to the half-blind. "Lauren, these miscreant creations of yours are wearing on my last nerve!" He shot a glare at his sister, spotting Pinkie in the process. "Mother! Oh, thank chaos. A little help?"

The pony's dour expression cracked into a wide grin. "Oh my gosh, I'm a grandma!" She threw open her forelegs. "Come and meet your Granny Pie, kids!"

The foals detached themselves from their plaything, much to his relief. As the draconequus tried to salvage some degree of dignity, he watched the party mare embrace his troublesome... nieces, he supposed? Yes, nieces.

"She's got a way with them, doesn't she?" The elder alicorn moved next to her brother. "Thanks for not just destroying them out of frustration."

Discord smirked. "What, and ruin all the havoc they could wreak? You saw what they did within seconds of... what would you call that? Hatching, perhaps?" The mare shrugged. He pressed on. "Anyway, who knows what other entertaining upheavals they have in store? A little exasperation is worth something like that."

"Hmm."

The chaos spirit raised an eyebrow. He'd been expecting something a bit more coherent. "Are you alright? You seem distracted."

Lauren shook herself. "Sorry, deep in thought. I actually got quite a few ideas from watching Bluey hatching."

"'Bluey'?"

"Well I can't just call her 'the blue one,' now can I?"

Her brother grinned. "Didn't you just?"

The redhead groaned. "Not the point, Dis. I've been inspired here! I don't even know where to begin!"

"With what?"

The alicorn swept a hoof over the wide expanses of bare earth beneath them. "This is only the beginning. It's a canvas. I'm going to make a masterpiece on it." She frowned. "I just don't quite know where to start..."

Discord considered this for a moment. Then he belched out sheets of erratically lined paper. "Pardon me."

His sister beamed like the burp was the greatest thing in existence. "That's it!"

"What is? Gas?"

"No, I'll write it down! Organize my thoughts outside my head! Discord, you're a genius!"

The chaos spirit preened. "Tell me something I don't know."

Lauren paid him no mind. Instead, she was willing scrolls and quills into existence, using her own void-black magic as ink. Furious scratching soon followed as the ideas of a creator deity flowed onto the paper. She didn't even notice as an inkwell and quill flashed into existence on each of her flanks.

Discord, attention deficit draconequus that he was, did. "What in the void is that?" His sister didn't respond, still engrossed in her grand transcription. Put out, the chimera turned to Pinkie Pie. "Mother?"

The party pony was moving the celestial orbs into position, largely by balancing a granddaughter on each forehoof and moving them in arcs while making rocket noises. The foals were giggling like mad, their tiny horns aglow with magic that came to them as easily as breathing. Fortunately for their uncle, she had attention to spare. "Yes, Disky?"

"What exactly happened to Lauren just now?"

"Hmm?" The planeswalker checked for herself and again gasped in delight. "She got her cutie mark!"

"Her what now?"

"Her special talent! Her unique purpose! Her mark of distinction!" Pinkie was gesturing wildly, the alicorns magically attached to her hooves enjoying the wild ride. The newly forged sun and moon could not be reached for comment.

"Ah." Discord considered this for a moment. "When will I get mine?"

"Um..." Pinkie looked down awkwardly. "You, um, won't get one. It's kind of a ponies-only thing." She gave an uncertain smile. "Besides, you're good at everything! Just... unpredictably so."

Her son considered this. Finally, he nodded. "True, true." His attention drifted to his nieces. "So, what's the story with those two?"

The mare nuzzled the fillies. "Aren't they just the cutsiest wootsies you've ever seen?"

"I suppose, but my wootsy experience is rather lacking. And that doesn't answer my question."

"Oh, I'm getting to that. They made the sun and moon, essential accessories for any fashionable planet. See?" She indicated the sun and moon marks on the infants' respective flanks. "They'll maintain the respective orbits and make sure that nothing crashes into anything." She noticed his disappointed expression. "Oh, don't be such a baby. There's more to chaotic fun than thoughtless destruction."

Discord glared indignantly. "I put plenty of thought into that destruction!"

"Uh huh."

"Done!" All eyes turned back to Lauren, who was proudly rolling enough scrolls for a thousand mummy costumes. "This is going to be the best world ever."

"Remember," noted Pinkie, "let your brother help. If you don't maintain balance, balance maintains you."

The elder alicorn considered this. "Is that a threat?"

"A warning." The pink pony set down her grandfoals. "I've got to go. You two keep up the good work. Let the twins chip in when they grow up a little, too."

"So soon?" asked Discord, half serious.

His mother's expression grew melancholy. "The longer I spend here, the better the odds of a paradox." She gave each granddaughter a farewell kiss on the forehead. "Bye bye, Celly. Bye bye, Lulu. Granny Pie'll see you again someday." She looked to her children, pride mixed with regret. "I love you both, and I wish I could stay for longer. Never hesitate to call me if you really are having an emergency. And if something from beyond time, space, and color starts eating the universe, tell her who your mother is. Bye!" Before anyone could ask her to explain, she was gone.

All parties contemplated where she'd been standing for a moment. Discord spoke first. "Am I the only one who's curious about where she got those names?"

"C'westia!" cried the white filly.

"Woona!" added her sister.

"I guess they named themselves," reasoned Lauren. "Guess it goes with being born with a cutie mark."

"Hmm." The draconequus lost interest in the matter. "So, what's first on that list of yours?"

"Volume 1..." The redhead unrolled one of the countless scrolls. "Hmm... oceans!"

"Oceans of what? Iodine? Blood? Nostalgia?"

"Water."

The chaos spirit scowled. "Boring."

Lauren wingshrugged. "Well, no one said you had to help with everything. Besides, someone needs to keep an eye on the twins."

Discord considered this for a moment. "So, oceans, you say?"

* * *

><p>After finishing the major items - oceans, ice caps, atmospheric tweaking - the spirits agreed to split up and start working on some personal projects. Discord experimented with other chimeric beings, combining disparate animals into peculiar and potent hybrids. The manticore. The owlbear. The platypus. He also toyed with magic, giving clouds a discriminating solidity and bringing awareness where it was rarely expected or even wanted.<p>

Lauren focused on ensuring the existence of their component species. Both she and her brother knew of them as part of the awareness Pinkie Pie had given them, and the order spirit instinctually knew they were essential to any healthy, functioning ecosystem. She also brought forth vegetation, something her brother had little interest in.

Both kept an eye on the alicorn twins, who wandered the wide world as a playground and place of infinite wonder. Celestia and Luna occassionally made a suggestion, but rarely wrought a new creature. Still, their ideas were gladly adopted by uncle and mother alike, ranging from fantastic creations like the phoenix and the ursa to humble life like the true sunflower and the moonglow moth.

And, of course, there were disagreements.

"Lauren, don't you think youre going a bit overboard with the beetles?"

She frowned. "What's wrong with beetles?"

"Nothing, it's just... well, how many different kinds have you made?"

"Just a few." Her face scrunched with the effort of holding back the truth. "Thousand."

Discord gave a wry grin. "You're in a rut, Sister."

"What would you suggest?"

"How about another collaboration? I've seen your list, hideously meticulous thing that it is. We both know there's one key item that we've been putting off."

The order spirit hesitated, but she knew what he meant. "Sapience."

"Ponies, specifically."

Lauren sighed. "You're right. Call the girls. This is going to be a group effort." The draconequus remained where he was. "Well?"

His expression grew surprisingly serious. "There's also the matter of that 'sleep' thing of yours."

"What?"

"You've been doing it more and more frequently, for longer and longer." It was a rare sight, genuine concern on the face of Discord. "You've taken it upon yourself to create an entire biosphere from whole cloth. You're burning yourself out and we both know it."

The alicorn frowned. "If that were true, and I'm not saying that it is, why say we need to make something as complex as ponies?"

"Because if we don't do it now, you may not have the strength necessary to do so."

* * *

><p>There was silence. Twilight broke in. "Well?"<p>

Unusually subdued, Pinkie shrugged. "They brought forth the ponies. Discord was right. Faust was so exhausted afterwards that she went into hibernation. Discord and the Princesses - though they weren't princesses yet - spun off other species from the ponies. Donkeys, zebras, sheep, pretty much everything with hooves. Discord even made some self-aware non-ungulates, like the griffins and the diamond dogs. I introduced dragons myself, because what kind of self-respecting universe doesn't have a few dragons?

"In any case, without Faust's gift for reinvention, for making something more than the sum of its parts, the other races were... subpar. Flawed. Ponies weren't perfect, of course, but the other races just didn't have the same vitality and drive, the same close, intimate connection to the magic of the world.

"Eventually, every item on Faust's list was checked off, and it was then that, without the moderating influence of his sister or her legacy, Discord began to grow... imbalanced. Even time destabilized, leaving our universe out of sync with the rest of the Multiverse for... well, giving a duration wouldn't really have any meaning, but it's no longer the case. Eventually, the Princesses rose up against their uncle, though his magic had long ago made them forgot that he was their family.

"And they sealed him in stone with the Elements of Harmony," concluded Twilight.

Pinkie merely nodded.

Ditzy mulled over the story. "So, is Faust still hibernating?"

"Kind of. It's... complicated."

"How complicated?" asked the unicorn.

* * *

><p>Once more, Pinkie manifested in her world. To her surprise, it had been Discord that had called her. "Hey, Disky!" She noticed his subdued demeanor. Worry began to creep into her heart. "What's wrong?"<p>

"I warned her." The chaos spirit's voice was low and distant. He began to pace upside down, his antler digging a few trenches in the dirt. "I told her what she was doing to herself. I noticed the signs even earlier. And what do I do? I force her into something that those very same observations would oppose. I destroy the thing I love. That's what chaos does, isn't it? Destroy. Always destroy. Even when I create, it's just another vehicle for destruction. Even the platypus. _Especially_the platypus."

The pony put a hoof on his shoulder. "Discord?"

He broke from his revery. "Oh. Mother. You're here. I wasn't sure if you'd come."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Aside from paradoxical ramifications? I estimated that there was a fifty-fifty chance that I'd just erased you from existence. Glad to see that I'm wrong."

"What happened?" asked the mare, a pit forming in her stomach.

"You'd best come see for yourself. Follow me." The draconequus righted himself and stalked off.

As the pair proceeded, Pinkie noted the sheer amount of creation that had taken place. The world looked even more vibrant than she ever remembered it. Of course, the rock farm [had/would have] to be kept barren for any kind of petriculture, but the sheer quantity of life was still staggering.

That vitality made their destination stand out all the more. It was a wide circle of barren earth, where the alicorn twins were standing enraptured. With desperate cheer, their grandmother asked them, "What is it, girls?"

Both looked up. It had been decades since the two had created the sun and moon, but they looked like they'd barely gotten out of diapers. "Momma's asleep," said Luna.

Pinkie got close enough to see for herself. "Asleep" was a generous description. Lauren looked near death. Her coat was soaked, her mane and tail in disarray, her flanks heaving... "What happened?"

"She overworked herself." Discord's voice warbled, grief toying with it. "She's been trying to do everything."

The redhead's eyes fluttered open. "Mom?"

The earth mare knelt by her side, mane straight as a sheet. "I'm here, Laurie."

The order spirit smiled. "We did it, Mom. The ponies are here. You'll be born someday." She shuddered. "Don't know why it's so cold, though..."

Pinkie felt the tears coming. She let them. "You made me proud, honey. You've done more than I ever could've dreamed of. Now rest."

"Yeah. Okay." The alicorn's body began to glow white. "Rest. Sure. Sounds nice. See you in the morning, Mom. Dis, watch the girls. Tia, Luna, make sure your uncle behaves." Her mother and daughters embraced her. Then, with a burst of light, she vanished. In her stead were six... wait, five stone spheres.

Celestia was wide-eyed with horror. "What happened?"

"She's asleep," insisted Luna. "She's dreamin'."

Discord said nothing. He simply left.

Pinkamena held her granddaughters. "I'm sorry, kids."

Luna looked up at her. "Why?"

"You're not gonna have a Momma for a while."

"Will you stay, Granny Pie?" asked Celestia.

The planeswalker hesitated, considering the consequences. "For a while. Then you can go meet other ponies. Be their friends. Sound good?" This got a pair of eager nods, which in turn prompted a small, sad smile. "Good."

* * *

><p>"<em>Very<em>complicated," Pinkie said finally.

"Oh." The subtext had been clear enough for even Twilight to pick up on it. "I... guess that's it, then?"

"Well, you can always ask the Princesses, but like I said, their memories of back then are all scrambled 'cause of Discord."

"Right..." The unicorn awkwardly groped for words. "Um... thanks, Pinkie. This was definitely... enlightening."

Ditzy nodded in agreement. "No kidding."

The party pony's smile slipped back into place as though it had never left. "You're welcome!"

* * *

><p>That night, as she got ready for bed, Pinkie plucked the Torc of Laughter out of her mane. For a while, she simply stared at the crystal balloon. Gummy latched onto an elbow at one point without her notice. Finally, she kissed the gem and tucked the Element back into her hair.<p>

"Good night, Laurie."

* * *

><p>Well, after the Elements of Discord, some of you may have seen this coming. In any case, that's what happens when time loops and a nigh-omnipotent Pinkie Pie get thrown into a creation myth. I promise the next chapter won't have this one's depressing aftertaste.<p>

**Things I Made Up This Chapter:  
><strong>Simonplex (SHE-mown-plecks) _n._ 1. 10^10^100 fonzies on the Farnsworth Coolometer. Approximately the amount of cool required to power an intergalactic-scale giant robot made primarily of green fire.

**Card of the Chapter:**  
>Faust, Mother of Equestria 3GW<br>Planeswalker — Faust  
>+1: Put a 22 green Pony creature token onto the battlefield.  
>-2: You may put a Pony, Pegasus, or Unicorn permanent card in your hand onto the battlefield.<br>-8: Search your library, hand, and graveyard for any number of Pony, Pegasus, and/or Unicorn cards and reveal them. You may cast each of those cards without paying its mana cost. Then shuffle your library.  
>4<p>

Next in the Sideboard of Harmony: String Theory


	5. String Theory

All the previous chapters had a framing device keeping them connected. This one... well, doesn't. Instead, it's Lyra and Bonbon the day after the elementals manifested. The question in question? Well, you'll see.

* * *

><p>Lyra Heartstrings was many things. "Please, Bonnie?"<p>

"No!"

Anthropophile. Virtuoso. Conspiracy theorist. "Oh, come on, I'm on my hocks and knees here!"

"I don't care if you beg me from the deepest pit of Tartarus, the answer'll still be no!"

But she had one title that stood out above all others. "Just one little spell..."

"You do it and you're sleeping on the couch for the rest of your life!"

Horsewhipped. "Okay..." In her defeat, the unicorn slumped to the floor.

This met the approval of her better half. "There, see? You can sit like anypony else. Why do you have to insist on trying to be some horrible creature out of filly tales?"

"Huh?" Lyra noticed her position. "I'm not sitting, I'm wallowing in despair!"

"What do you have to despair about?" Bonbon asked incredulously. "You've got your health, a reputation as a respected musician, and a home with a pony who loves you. What more could you ask for?"

The answer was obvious. "Hands!" The minty mare brought her forehooves before her, but in her mind's eye, she saw entirely different appendages. "Wonderful, flexible, dextrous hands! And yesterday I had them! You know how long I've been trying to get that spell to work!"

The earth pony sighed. "Yes. I do." The endless rants about spell mechanics. The hazy mornings after all-night experimentation sessions. The excuses to Nurse Redheart as she treated backlashes. Oh yes, Bonbon doubted that she'd ever forget her fillyfriend's quest for digits.

"Then you know how important this for me!"

The confectioner groaned. She had hoped that success would mean that Lyra would drop the subject, but instead it had driven her to try and find _uses_ for the horrid things. And when all you have is a hand, everything looks like it should be fingered. Including other ponies. "And it's important to me that we at least keep this obsession of yours out of our bedroom."

"But how can you say you don't like something if you won't even try it?"

"You tell me, Madame Taffybane."

The unicorn winced. That had been a tactical blunder. Her adamant opposition to saltwater taffy had been a sticking point with Bonbon for years. Her expression brightened as she realized it could be turned to her advantage. "I tell you what: Just let me show you the spell, and I'll..." She shuddered. "I'll eat a piece of taffy."

Her fillyfriend seemed not to appreciate the magnitude of this sacrifice. "That's it?"

Lyra bit back a curse. Darn salesponies. Haggling was in their blood. Of course she'd try for a better deal. Still, to live the dream... She forced the words from her throat. "Two pieces?"

The earth mare paused for a moment, clearly confused, before smirking. "I meant that I was surprised that after all of the melodrama, this was all it took for you to actually try taffy. But I'm holding you to the two-piece thing."

The musician sputtered as she tried to figure out what just happened. Finally, she sighed. "Deal." She stood back up. "But at least now I get to show you the spell, right?"

Bonbon rolled her eyes and gave a good-natured, long-suffering sigh that had become a familiar companion during her relationship with Lyra. "Yes, go ahead."

Giddy as a schoolfilly, the unicorn struggled for the focus she needed to perform the spell. However, once she achieved it, everything proceeded smoothly. Eyes closed, she reared up as golden energy played along horn and hooves. As the light around her horn intensified, the aura over her forelimbs warped and twisted, forming the outlines of extremities alien to ponykind.

Her fillyfriend would be lying if she said it wasn't fascinating. She didn't envy pegasi or unicorns; friends' complaints of constant preening and inexplicable headaches had disabused her of any such notions. But there was no denying the splendor before her, of a unicorn in her element, manipulating forces far beyond earth pony ken in a breathtaking display of arcane proficiency. It was an image that Bonbon wished Lyra could see for herself. She wanted her love to see the incredible beauty of the pony that she was rather than chase after some bizarre, unattainable ideal. That this wondrous work was being done to further that ideal made it no less beautiful, just tragically so.

The spell was completed, and the minty mare held up the end results. Her forehooves had softened and warped, five tiny limbs branching off of each. She waggled her new fingers. "See? How incredible is this? Just _think_ of the possibilities!"

Bonbon sighed. Yes, _very_ tragic. "Well, you're not going to explore one of them, I can tell you that."

Lyra's face fell. "How can you look at these and not be amazed?"

"Because you've twisted your body into something unnatural."

"Unnatural? Look at griffins! Look at Diamond Dogs! Look at the dragon who lives in our town!"

"But not ponies." The earth mare approached the unicorn and reared up herself. She leaned on her love's shoulders to stabilize herself and, a few inches from her face, told her, "I don't love hands, Lyra. I love _you_. I love the mare who makes me feel happier than if I were Royal Confectioner of Equestria. I love the mare who dedicates every public performance to me. I love the mare who called me 'candybutt' when we first met and still does to this day." They kissed, and she asked the pressing question. "Don't you feel the same way?"

"Bonnie..." There were tears in those big, beautiful, golden eyes. "Of course I do. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, dear. We've all got our little eccentricities." The yellow mare's expression grew desperate. "Can we get back on all fours now? I'm not as good at this as you."

Lyra chuckled, then took her fillyfriend's fetlocks in hand and guided them back to the ground. Then, bowed as she was, she found it difficult to get back into a standing position. "Um..."

Bonbon gave a laugh of her own. "I think that says all there is on the matter." The look this got was as confused as its giver's posture. "Hands may be useful," she clarified, "but they aren't really meant for ponies."

Despite herself, the unicorn smiled. "Yeah..." she conceded, focusing again as her delightful digits reverted to ho-hum hooves. "I think we both know what that means."

"No more magically warping your own body into unnatural shapes?"

"Are you kidding?" The musician's grin grew a bit manic. "This calls for more!"

The confectioner felt an eyelid twitch. "What."

"Just having hands clearly isn't enough! I've got to rework all my anatomy for this to be really practical. Weight distribution, shape of the pelvic cradle..." She paused for a beat, reflecting further. "Hay, I might as well see if I can realign my cutie mark, keep the lyre right-side up when I'm standing up straight."

Bonbon shook with repressed fury and exasperation. A thousand objections, insults, and relationship-ending exclamations warred to be first on her tongue. Just when she felt she was going to burst, she felt an unexpected pressure on her nose.

Lyra beamed, pulling back her hoof. "Gotcha."

The earth pony snorted, trying to look unamused. "That wasn't funny."

"Uh huh."

"I *pfft* I mean it."

"Oh, I'm sure."

"I'm going to go for a walk because I'm s-so _mad_ right now."

"I'm sure you don't want to say anything we'll both regret."

"And don't you f-forget it!" Bonbon trotted out the door, snickers escaping ever more frequently.

"Have fun, candybutt!" Lyra called after her. She was rewarded with the sound of unrestrained laughter fading into the distance.

Once the peals of mirth were out of earshot, the unicorn gave a sigh of relief. She astonished herself sometimes. It had taken some real quick thinking to make that diatribe on the next phase of her human emulation sound like a joke. That she'd been activated in midsentence hadn't helped, but at least it meant that she'd been able to backpedal before the point of no return.

She shook her head. Such was an occupational hazard of her real job. The sheer quantity of confidential information she dealt with in the ETSAB couldn't be completely sealed off. Like a leaky drum of magical waste, it leeched into her subconscious, inspiring and driving obsessions with the officially nonexistent.

She set the matter aside for the moment. She'd addressed the immediate crisis it had engendered, and now she needed to see why she was on active duty. A golden aura again lit her horn, but this one served a far different purpose. Rather than reshaping her body, this spell drew a line in the air in front of her, thin as a string on a lyre. With a thought, she plucked it. Naturally, the string vibrated, but rather than slow over time, it accelerated. Soon a glowing golden oval seemed to hang before her, the thread oscillating so fast that its entire path was visible at once.

"Agent Heartstrings, Universe Eight-Zero-Epsilon," she said into the oval. "I've just been activated and I don't know why. What's going on?"

The solid gold light altered, becoming a monochrome display of a face. It was Lyra's own, or it would have been had she been born a human. Its reply came in a voice identical to her own. "The Section Director is expecting a debriefing on yesterday's anomaly."

The unicorn facehoofed. Of course. She'd been so busy with making sure everything was still stable and secret that she'd never seen her superiors. "Sorry. Big doings. I'll be there at once."

Her human counterpart nodded. "See that you do. You know how she can get."

"All too well," noted the mare. "I'm on my way. Heartstrings out."

As the cosmic string faded, Lyra covered her tracks. Grabbing a quill and a junk flyer, she scrawled a quick note, then taped it to the basement door. She gave it a once-over.

Bonnie,  
>Doing research. I promise I'm not really trying to make a better transmutation. Feel free to come down, I'd love the chance to bounce ideas off of you.<br>XOXO,  
>Lyra<p>

She nodded in satisfaction. The confectioner wouldn't even get near the door when the threat of "bouncing ideas" came into play. That settled, the unicorn fetched her lyre and entered the basement for the sake of her alibi. Once there, she began to play her way to her office.

The Department of Quantum Affairs often had unusual requirements for office space. Universe Five-Two-Beta met all of those needed by Lyra's subdivision: No native life, no morphic field restrictions, and the ability to support an infinite number of the same person at the same time. As such, the Office of Parallel Realities had essentially declared "dibs," sectioning off a sizable chunk of the dimension into actual offices, conference rooms, and other logistic necessities.

The dimension was sealed even to those few capable of moving between instances of Equestria, and the access codes were Commoner-level classified information. That is, they were public knowledge applied in a way that the public would never believe. This was, of course, the entire point. Lyra's code was officially known as Five-Two-Beta Rho-Lambda. She always thought it sounded like she got in because she belonged to a sorority, which she supposed was technically the case.

As she grinned at the old joke, she reached the point in the passcode that required vocal input. "We were at the beach..."

* * *

><p>The unicorn materialized in a flare of golden energy. She blinked and noticed that she'd been expected. She normally appeared in the central hall of the facility, but instead she was before the desk of the human her she'd just spoken to. Lyra recognized her bipedal double as the Section Director's secretary. "Hi."<p>

The woman gave a brief nod, Lyra to Lyra. "Go on in, she's expecting you."

The pony didn't waste any more time. She walked to the door behind the desk and knocked. Like her secretary, the Director was also human, for a loose definition of the term. As such, the door to her office bore one of those obnoxious round doorknobs, both nearly impossible to work with hooves and tricky for telekinesis. Knocking was probably going to be faster than casting the hooves-to-hands spell.

The Director opened the door, looked down, and smiled. "Lyra of Eight-Zero-Epsilon?"

The mare bowed, which doubled as a very deep nod. "Yes, Ma'am."

"Come in, my dear. I'm sure you have much to tell me."

Lyra couldn't help but admire the woman as she followed her into the room. Her hair, half dawn pink, half dusk blue, gyred and gimbled in the astral wabe. Her serene expression belied the storied past of one who had eaten the sun and moon like celestial truffles because she believed that the Equestrian people could do better. One who briefly took the place of their disempowered stewards. One who candy-striped the sky with the luminous linea, sources of illumination that needed no guidance, as a symbol of the self-reliance she wanted to inspire in every heart. One who so loved her people that she left them, trusting them to govern themselves better than any royalty ever could.

Amazingly, they did.

At first, the diarchs of the myriad other worlds feared that she would threaten their own hegemonies. But they sent diplomats rather than warriors, and she soon recognized that no other Equestria needed the revolution she had brought to hers, no pair of princesses as decadent and corrupt as those she had unseated. Instead, she offered her aid in keeping the countless citizens of those worlds safe.

Now, to assuage the grief and loneliness that were the cost of teaching an entire world independence, she surrounded herself with dozens of instances of her beloved. She was Bonbon Thronetaker, Preacher of the Bittersweet Truth, Princess by Her Own Hand, and Director of the Strings Section of the Office of Parallel Realities.

On occasion, some newly recruited Lyra (or Harpsy) expressed incredulity that every other version of her (or him) seemed to love the analogous Bonbon (or Babar.) The newbie's seniors would shake their heads, astonished that they needed to explain something as obvious as the concept of soulmates.

The Last Queen of Equestria gave her subordinate a knowing look. Lyra heard the door lock behind her and squirmed in anticipation. Princess Bonbon sank into what was now her throne, a black office chair like any other Section Director, and and the look began to smolder. "Let us begin."

* * *

><p>"Ah!" Lyra's back arched in ecstasy.<p>

Bonbon smiled, well pleased by the unicorn's reaction. "Well, Agent?"

The pony looked at her superior, confusion clear in a mind that, at the moment, was barely capable of coherent thought. "Huh?"

"I'm still waiting for your report."

"Buh-Bonnie..."

The human tsked. "Really now, Agent, I will not tolerate such an egregious breach of protocol." She demonstrated her displeasure physically.

Lyra's gasps spoke of an exquisite blend of pain and pleasure. "D-Director..."

"Apologize."

"I... I-Ah! Ah'm s'ry! Ah'm sorreeEEE!"

Bonbon nodded, satisfied. She returned to her more gentle ministrations. "Now, about that report."

Boneless and glassy eyed, the unicorn could barely form syllables. "C-can' do it."

"Oh, you can? Good. Please do."

"Can _not_," forced Lyra.

The abdicated princess pouted. "Oh, come now. At least try. For me?" She focused on an especially sensitive spot as she pleaded.

The mare bit her lip as her resistance crumbled. She gave a plea of her own. "Slower?"

Bonbon gave a sly smile. "Well, if you really can't focus, I could always just stop."

"_Slower._"

The human complied, easing back the tempo. "Now report."

Lyra trembled with pleasure and tried to gather her scattered thoughts. "With Agent Minuette a-and the Head of the Office of Maintenance on as-s-_sssss_..."

"Assignment?"

Not trusting herself with the sibilant, the unicorn simply nodded. "Given that, I h-had to maintain temporal continuity when Ditzy s-stopped time. After the magic elemental was suh-subdued, I recruited her as a c-consultant. Office of Extrap-planar Affairs."

"I see. And the state of the plane afterwards?"

"Harmony fixed any and all d-damage. Everything's fine. Just fine." The dreamy rise in tone on this last statement seemed more descriptive of the teller than the tale.

Bonbon beamed beatifically. "Excellent." She gave her agent one final brush, then kissed her on the tip of her horn. "You are dismissed, sweetie."

"Yes'm." Rubber-kneed, Lyra stumbled out of the office, much to her superior's amusement. Bonbon only used magic on the brush for an agent's first debriefing. From there, any added stimulation was all in the mind of the pony her lap.

Of course, the unicorn didn't know that, so she assumed her goofy grin was entirely the work of the deity. So did the secretary who glowered disapprovingly at her counterpart as she came into the reception area. "Have fun?" the assistant asked sardonically.

The pony leered at her human analogue. "Jealous?"

"_Some_ of us are at least _pretending_ to have an air of professionalism," huffed the ape-descended Lyra.

The mare smirked. "Yeah. I'm sure that's the standard outfit for professional human secretaries."

"Um, I..." The woman blushed as she tugged at one of her bikini's string-thin shoulder straps. "It's... it's Casual Friday."

"It's a Wednesday."

The human's face went the color of a ripe tomato, contrasting nicely with her hair. She suddenly found her crossword immensely fascinating. "Just... just go."

* * *

><p>Probably the closest thing to clopfiction I'll ever write. Well, certainly the closest thing I'll ever publish here. In any case, that's a typical debriefing in the Strings Section. Well, for the pony agents, at least.<p>

**Card of the Chapter:**  
>Mass Anthropomorphize 3U<br>Instant  
>Each non-Human creature becomes a 11 Human until end of turn.  
><em>"Opposable digits for everypony!"<em>

Next in the Sideboard of Harmony: Wedding Bells of Velis Vel


	6. Wedding Bells of Velis Vel

Hello, all. This chapter has something of a compound question. Firstly, how would the Royal Wedding have gone in the light of Elements of Harmony? Secondly, what didn't Overactive Mind like about the season finale?

Yeah, this one may end up coming off as a little self-serving. I'm not telling you to love it, but I hope you can at least tolerate it.

* * *

><p>"Princess Celestia cordially invites you to the wedding of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and..." Twilight gasped, looking up from the invitation. "My brother!"<p>

"You have a brother?" Pinkie asked.

Rainbow Dash looked at her, surprised. "You didn't know?"

"How could I have known? When did brother-having become a thing that Twilight did, and how did everypony but me get the memo?" She looked about the group suspiciously. "Does anypony else have some siblings they'd like to bring out into the open? Or are we just leaving this in canonical uncertainty until new merchandise forces a wavefunction collapse?"

"It's not that big a deal, Pinkie," said Dash, trying to hide her discomfort behind a soothing tone.

The party pony scoffed. "Well of course _you'd_ say that. You're the least familially defined out of all of us! At least I can infer the name of Fluttershy's mom, but you? You're awesome _ex nihilo_, a cipher, a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in the visible light spectrum. For all we know, you—" Her rant was interrupted by the magical insertion of a cupcake into her mouth.

As Pinkie chewed, Rarity smiled, pleased to see that her gambit had worked. "Feeling better, dear?"

As the pink mare nodded, Twilight smirked. "I hope you appreciate the irony of you demanding that I make sense.

The planeswalker swallowed and shrugged. "I'm just the comic relief character. _You're_the protagonist among protagonists. We're supposed to know your backstory best. You can't just spring a sibling on us at the end of the second season."

Studiously ignoring most of this, Applejack asked, "Yer just sore 'cause y' never knew t' invite 'er brother t' any parties, ain'tchya?"

"Partially, yes," conceded the other earth pony.

"Well, it isn't like he would've attended anyway," noted Twilight. "He's captain of the Royal Guard. He's in charge of every guardspony in all of Equestria. He's way too busy for something as trivial as a party held by somepony he's barely heard of."

"'Trivial'!"

"Seemingly trivial?" Pinkie seemed to find this acceptable, but Twilight then took up her abandoned umbrage. "Of course, if he's too busy to _tell his only sister_ that he's _getting married_—"

"I'm holding you to that 'only sister' line, Sparkle," warned Pinkie, eyes narrowed.

Spike smirked. "And isn't this coming from the pony I have to remind to eat now and again?"

"Speaking from experience," offered Rarity, "I know how easy it is to forget even those closest to one's heart when faced with the demands of one's work. If your brother is anything like you, perhaps he's simply been consumed by duty."

"Why?" demanded Twilight. "What could possibly be so important?"

"Y' mean b'sides his weddin'?"

"Um..." Long experience helped the others react to Fluttershy's overture. All fell silent and turned to her, but none made direct eye contact. The gentle pegasus pointed a hoof at the capital. "Maybe it has something to do with the purple bubble around Canterlot?"

Everypony looked to the capital. The indicated bubble was faint, but definitely there. Twilight thought aloud, disbelief heavy in her voice. "That.. that's a single gigantic force field. What's going on?"

"I haven't heard a word about this," marveled Rarity.

"After y' rubbed shoulders with darn near everypony who's anypony?" Applejack doffed her hat. "Must be some kinda emergency. Ah hope they're all okay."

"Why hope?" Dash leapt into the air. "We gotta get over there right now, see for ourselves!"

Twilight nodded grimly. "You're right, Rainbow Dash. Spike, take a letter."

"A letter?" cried the pegasus. "How is a letter going to get there any faster than me?" Spike gave her a withering look and puffed out a bit of flame. The speedster gave an awkward chuckle. "Oh. Right."

The purple mare smiled despite herself and began to dictate. "Dear Princess Celestia,

"My friends and I just noticed the enormous shield encompassing all of Canterlot. We are naturally quite concerned, especially in light of the news of my brother's wedding, which he apparently felt wasn't important enough to share with little Twiley ahead of time..." She noted her friends' expressions. "Um, scratch that part out."

The dragon smirked again. "I'm getting a sense for tangents. I stopped writing after 'upcoming wedding.'"

Twilight pretended not to notice her blush. "Good initiative. So, from there: Since we are already on our way to Canterlot to aid with the festivities, is there any way we could help with whatever threat has caused the heightened state of alert?

"Your faithful, concerned student,  
>"Twilight Sparkle"<p>

The scroll was quickly finished and incinerated, all seven anxiously watching the smoke.

"Do you think anypony is hurt?" Fluttershy didn't direct her question, simply voicing her anxiety.

Twilight smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry, Fluttershy. Shining Armor may have taken a turn for the inconsiderate, but he's still one of the best knight-captains Canterlot has seen in the past century. Protection is literally his special talent. I'm sure he's got a plan worthy of Mashy Spike-Plate himself."

* * *

><p>"Seriously? A shield that only you can maintain? That's your defense strategy?"<p>

"Only the passive defense. Princess Luna is investigating the threat every day."

Twilight nodded. "Okay, that explains why you aren't asking for her help. What about Princess Celestia?"

Her brother shook his head. "Between keeping watch over Canterlot and keeping the country functioning, she barely has enough time to preside over the wedding."

"And you didn't ask _me _for help because?"

Shining Armor sighed. "Like you said, Twiley, only I can maintain the shield."

"And that doesn't strike you as an obvious weak point in the security," deadpanned the mare. "Look at you, Shiny! You almost collapsed after that last recharge!"

"It's the best option we have," he insisted.

His sister groaned. "Fine. Proof by counterexample it is, then." She sent a beam of light towards the top of the barrier. Unlike the stallion's single burst of energy, this was a thin, consistent stream.

Twilight frowned as she considered the incoming data. "Wow, you really went for quantity over quality, didn't you?"

Armor gave her an indignant glare. "I had to encompass all of Canterlot in one spell."

"Uh huh."

"You think you can do better?"

She smirked. "I already said I was going to, didn't I?" The thin beam of magic thickened and brightened. The mare reared up, then began to levitate, arcane power outperforming gravity. The shield seem to shimmer and fuzz. Closer inspection would reveal magical symbols cascading down its surface like an ideogrammatic waterfall. After several seconds, this gave way to the grid pattern of the barrier, which shifted to one of tessellating hexagons.

As Twilight drifted back to the ground, her brother cautiously asked her, "What did you do?"

Her smirk shifted into a self-satisfied grin. "First, I gave the shield much greater ontological independence from your magic. As it was, it was a miracle that it stayed intact while you slept.

"Second, I added a pair of recharging subroutines to ease active maintenance requirements. The first uses the ambient magic in the air and the Canterhorn to replenish the shield. With just that, you shouldn't have to sustain the spell more than two, maybe three times a week. The second turns the chief weakness of this kind of barrier, a sustained siege, into an energy source. It's a kinetithaumic converter. Anything that hits shield recharges it. It's not a perfect conversion, of course, but it should increase the spell's functional duration in such a situation by at least fourfold.

"Third and finally, I closed all of the loopholes and back doors that I used to effect the changes. 'I less-than-symbol three Cadence' does not a secure password make."

Shining Armor was agog. "How..."

"Element of Magic, remember? I can tell this abjuration to sit, roll over, and play dead, and that's _without _hacking it." Twilight gave her brother a fond hug. "It's good to see you again, BBBFF. We need to do this more often. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a wedding to plan."

* * *

><p>Later that evening, Twilight walked away from sounds of merriment, head down and heart heavy. "Looks like I really am on my own." Her friends were too caught up in their new positions as bridesmaids to listen to her tale of creepy magic that made her beloved brother's eyes go all...<p>

"Twilight? Hi!" A perfect example came trotting towards her.

"Ditzy Doo? What are you doing here?"

The pegasus frowned. "Well, gee, nice to see you too."

The purple mare shook her head, trying to backtrack. "I didn't mean it like that. I just wasn't expecting to see you in Canterlot."

The blonde grinned. "What can I say? When you know ponies in high places, sometimes they want you to come visit."

Twilight tried to look happy in kind. "So, are Address Unknown and Dinky here?"

Ditzy scowled. "As much as I'd like them to be, no. Address doesn't trust the new mailponies to lick stamps unsupervised." Her expression lightened. "As for Dinky, she wanted to spend some quality time with her dad, and I can't really blame her for that. Besides, she still has school." The scowl returned. "But that stallion, ugh! Do you know what he said when I told him we were invited to a royal wedding?"

"What?"

"'That's nice.' Can you believe that? We could get invi..." She trailed off. Twilight's facade had crumbled to the point where she seemed to be carrying the weight of the world on her withers. "Are you okay, Twilight?"

"No, Ditzy, I'm not okay. In fact, I need your help."

The pegasus paused as she considered this for a moment. "Well, okay, but I'm not sure how I can help with the wedding prep."

The unicorn shook her head. "No, I need you to help me prove that Cadence is evil!"

"...What."

"She's changed, Ditzy. She's not the pony who foalsat me. She's a demanding, deceptive, duplicitous..." Twilight paused, perhaps searching for more sinister "D" words. "She's just not right! Not for Shining Armor, not for anypony!"

Gently as she could, the mailmare asked, "Did you ever consider that you might be overreacting just a little?"

"I am _not_ overreacting! If anything, everypony else is _under_reacting! Go and see for yourself!"

Ditzy considered this. "You know what? I think I will."

Twilight went from grousing to gratitude in the blink of an eye. "You will? Oh, thankyouthankyoutha—"

The pegasus held up a hoof. "_But._If I can't find anything wrong with her, will you at least promise to consider the possibility that you're wrong?"

"...All right."

"Good. Where can I find her?"

* * *

><p>"Halt! Who goes there?" Luna's voice cut through the night as she answered her own question. Glowering, she called, "Be swift in your duties, Ditzy Doo."<p>

The pegasus smiled to herself. The princess couldn't fairly object to her presence, not when Luna herself had composed the oath urging couriers to brave the dark of night. Still, best not to flaunt royal authority. Ditzy accelerated to a brisk trot as she approached Shining Armor's quarters.

A knock at the door summoned the stallion. "Yes?"

"Telegram for Princess Mi Amore Cadenza."

"I'll take it."

She shook her head. "Her eyes only."

Armor gave the mailmare a flat look. "I'm the captain of the Royal Guard _and_her fiancé. I think you can trust me."

Ditzy wingshrugged. "Sorry, sir. Gotta give it to her in person or it'll self-destruct."

The groom gave the universal sigh of contempt for red tape. "Fine. Just a second. Cadence!"

"_What!_"

Ditzy held back a wince. That tone did not bode well for the "not actually evil" scenario.

"Mail for you! Top secret!"

"Well stop shouting about it, then!" The alicorn came into view, glaring at her allegedly beloved. "Honestly..."

"Not evil" was dismissed there and then. To Ditzy's eyes, the princess was a shape of blue magic that overlapped with something that was obviously not Twilight's foalsitter. Not unless the unicorn was repressing some memories. The tendril of bruise-purple energy that was flowing out of the retreating Shining Armor and into the creature only underscored its not-Cadence-ness.

"Yes, what is it?" barked the impostor, shaking the pegasus out of her reflection. This close, there was a weird two-level effect as true and false voices spoke as one.

"Telegram for you, ma'am."

"Well, let's have it."

Ditzy shook her head. She'd made a plan in case Twilight had been right. Now it was time to put it into action. "I'm afraid that it's a singing telegram, Your Highness."

Not-Cadence raised an eyebrow skeptically. "A top-secret _singing _telegram."

The pegasus put on her most gormless face. "Yes, ma'am."

The alicorn said nothing more, simply slamming the door in the messenger's face. At least, she tried to. A hoof in the doorway sent it bouncing back and applied a spell that had been prepared earlier. When the faker tried to shut the door a second time, it didn't budge.

As the deceiver struggled against the "equal and opposite force" enchantment, Ditzy appraised her forehoof. "I think you chipped it. I hope you're proud of yourself."

Not-Cadence seemed on the verge of physical assault, her horn layered in overglow as she futilely strained against the immobile door. "Go away!"

"Not until I've delivered the message, ma'am."

The bride-to-be snorted in frustration, then relented. "Fine. Sing, then."

Ditzy nodded and cleared her throat. "Ohhhh..." Then, in a decent imitation of the Royal Canterlot Voice: "**SECURITY ALERT! SHAPESHIFTER DETECTED! KNIGHT-CAPTAIN ARMOR HAS BEEN COMPROMISED!**"

The gratifying wail of sirens began to echo through the night. As the false princess stared vacantly at her unveiler, the pegasus smiled. "I have to say, ma'am, that really is a marvelous glamour. Visual, tangible, auditory, even olfactory. I'd test for a gustatory element, but that would be rather forward of me."

"Who... _How_?"

The mailmare bowed. "My name is Ditzy Doo. I am something you couldn't have planned for."

"What's the meaning of this!" Shining Armor stormed towards the entryway. "You madmare! Do you think this is some kind of sick joke?"

Ditzy nodded towards his fiancée. "You tell me."

The guardspony frowned. "Wha—" The question died on his lips as he looked at the false Cadence.

"Darling?" she asked plaintively, not realizing that her earlier struggles with the door had burnt away the disguise around her jagged horn.

The unicorn's fury transferred to her. "What have you done with— urgh!" A sudden migraine cut off the shout.

"Hmph." The alicorn sent a surge of sickly green at her suitor, swelling the parasitic bond between them. "Down, lover boy." Shining Armor collapsed, his breathing labored. She turned back to the troublesome pegasus. "As for you—"

"Yes?" Ditzy smiled among the guards that had flooded to the alert. "What about me?"

Luna glared at the impostor behind her subjects. "Vile creature! You will—"

Whatever the night princess wanted her to do, Chrysalis decided that she would hiss and launch a concussive wave of magic. Ponies were sent flying as she made her escape.

That escape was quickly unmade as she went crashing back to earth. Luna shook her head, horn aglow with gravimancy. "Why do they always try to run?"

"Now!" croaked the changeling.

Half of the guards immediately righted themselves and rushed at the moon princess. With her attention divided, her gravity spell was weak enough for Chrysalis to overcome with a pittance of her stolen power. Dropping her damaged disguise, she turned and fired a blast at the other alicorn.

Luna was not as powerful as her sister. She also had four equinoid insects worrying at her flanks. However, she had the advantage of not being the one who fired first, and that made all the difference. With a thought, she summoned a dense cloud of darkness in the beam's path. It glowed a sullen green as it absorbed the energy.

The tattered queen kept pouring it on, confident that she would overwhelm the trifling defense. Then a voice cut through her concentration. "You have quite the ego, don't you?" The insectoid's eyes flicked to one side. The pegasus again? "I can fix that."

A wave of blue power, and the creature was sent staggering. It paused. It couldn't feel its magic! Its wings! Its... its... what else was there? What had it been doing? Why?

Incapacitating the last of the lesser changelings, Luna looked to her foe and balked. All identifying features had been wiped from the creature. All that remained simply... was. No wings, no horn, no tail, not even facial features. Just a blank living shape, staggering in confusion.

"That won't last for long," Ditzy warned. "What will you do with her?"

The alicorn considered this for a moment. She pointed her horn at the nameless thing and whispered, "Sleep." As it collapsed, she answered, "For now, she will be incarcerated. Come dawn, I will confer with Celestia. We must locate the real Cadence, and this fiend likely knows her whereabouts." She nodded to the grey mare. "You have done well this night, Ditzy Doo."

"Only at Twilight's insistence."

"Indeed? Then you are both to be thanked." The pegasus yawned, and the princess smiled. "Tomorrow. For now, rest. There will be much to do."

* * *

><p>"Ugh..." Chrysalis grudgingly returned to consciousness. To her relief, familiar sensations assailed her. Horn. Wings. Hunger. After the nightmarish loss of self, even the gnawing emptiness in her proventriculus was welcome, even if it did mean that she'd lost her host.<p>

"My Queen, can you change?"

She looked up. A pegasus guard, interchangeable with his comrades. Of course. She probed her magic as she struggled upright. "I can manage."

The armored pony's eyes briefly flashed green as he nodded. "Good. Match my form. We must make haste." He produced a ring of keys and unlocked the cell.

Chrysalis struggled for the needed power, having grown accustomed to feasting on Shining Armor. Still, she managed to compress herself into the lesser changeling's twin. "Thank you, my child."

"What is the plan, my Queen?"

The disguised creatures fell into step together. "A direct attack is impossible now. We must begin at the edges. Insinuate ourselves in the frontier, then move inward. Absorb the hives that have hidden themselves amongst the Equestrians. If we cannot take Canterlot with guile, then we shall do so with sheer numbers, an infestation one lucky mare cannot stop." She grinned beneath her borrowed shape. Let the ponies think they swatted her. She would return, leading a swarm beyond their wildest dreams.

"She was not lucky, my Queen."

The drone's droning interrupted Chrysalis's enjoyable fantasy. "Then what was she?"

"Smarter than you," answered an all-too-familiar voice. Ditzy Doo emerged from beneath her disguise, the insufferable taste of smugness filling the stunned changeling's mind. "Did you get all that, Your Highness?"

"Every word." Luna came into visibility just behind them, exuding resolve from every pore.

The changeling queen gaped at this for a moment. "I... _How..._"

"You'll have plenty of time to think on that," noted the moon princess. She focused her will, and the floor opened up beneath the other sovereign.

Chrysalis dismissed her disguise in a moment and began buzzing her wings for all she was worth, but the pull of the void beneath her was stronger yet, swallowing her whole. A midnight-blue muzzle surrounded by swirling stars watched her fall as a foal would watch a bug, impassive and unafraid.

* * *

><p>Eventually, the darkness consumed everything, and the sense of falling slowly came to a halt. Details began to resolve themselves, mostly rough-hewn stone and discolored but sturdy bars. The cell the changeling queen had found herself in before had been relatively pleasant. Sparse, but tolerable. Now she wasn't in a prison. She was in an oubliette. Ponies weren't put in here with the intention of taking them out. She didn't think Canterlot <em>had <em>a place like this. Judging by the lack of bones, it hadn't seen use at any point in the recent past.

Chrysalis sat up in the dingy little cell. Her empathic sense was picking up something curious. Somewhere between sight, taste, and telepathy, it normally detected sources of succulent love, sustaining compassion, and the other, less palatable contents of the emotional spectrum. Now it detected something like a shadow without a body, a patch of motile blandness.

She moved close to the bars, seeking the source of the anomaly. Presumably, it was the pair of approaching figures. One was familiar, the infantile mare who thought Pin the Tail on the Pony and the Chicken Dance were suitable entertainment for a royal wedding. Chrysalis made a mental note to lay a clutch of eggs in that one's abdomen once she escaped. The other was unfamiliar, a donkey if she wasn't mistaken. One with either a good stylist or an excellent toupee.

As the two got closer, the disconnect registered in the queen's mind. The pony had been sickly sweet with unbridled joy. Now she was so utterly unemotional that she blended in with dungeon's stone walls. Hmm. Might as well get the facts straight from the horse's mouth. "Pinkie Pie. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

The mare who locked eyed with her was a stranger. Mane so straight it seemed iron, coat an oddly drab shade of magenta, and expression of such complete and total apathy that Chrysalis felt a little hungrier just looking at her. Her voice _might_by some stretch of the imagination be considered similar to the party pony's. "Chrysalis. Hive-Queen of the Changeling Swarms. You have been found guilty of abduction, conspiracy to invade the sovereign nation of Equestria, impersonating a member of its royal family, and at least one count of magical domination of another's will."

The accused smirked. "'Found guilty'? I didn't know I had a trial."

The earth pony continued, indifferent to the aside. "You have all but declared war on Equestria. You have insinuated malicious dopplegangers into its armed forces. And worst of all," and here a hint of rage slipped into her voice, "you. Hurt. My. _Friends._"

"Uh-huh." This was hardly the changeling's first international incident. "Tell it to someone who cares, dear."

For a moment, hatred filled the pony, inedible but thrillingly spicy. The donkey laid a hoof on her shoulder, and the anger abated. Pinkamena's next words were even more measured and monotonous than before. "In their mercy, the Princesses are willing to reduce your sentence if you cooperate. If you refuse this mercy, you invite their wrath. Do you understand?"

Chrysalis rolled her eyes. "Yes, yes. Let's get this over with." Honestly, what was the worst they could do? This land was so filled with love, there was no way its inhabitants could even conceive of true cruelty, much less practice it.

The mare betrayed no reaction to her irreverence. "Very well, then. Cranky, I leave her in your capable hooves."

The donkey nodded. As the dampened pony departed, he considered the prisoner. "Well, I suppose I should introduce myself. As you may have gathered, my friends call me Cranky. _You _can call me Mr. Donkey. I'm going to ask you a few questions. If you answer them and those answers check out, you could be out of here in as little as a few days. If you don't or if you lie, well, Princess Luna said something about a trip to the Moon. Then we'll see if you're feeling a bit more cooperative."

The queen wasn't paying attention. "What happened to her?"

He grumbled to himself a bit before answering. "Friends are _very _important to Pinkie."

"So somepony died?"

A sigh and a shake of the head. "Changelings."

Chrysalis glared. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"For a race that feeds on love, you have almost no understanding of it. Thanks for reminding me of that."

"'Reminding'?"

"I've wandered the world for more than forty years. You're far from my first changeling, Missy."

Cranky's emotional neutrality suddenly made a great deal more sense. A pit formed in the queen's stomach "You're starving me."

He nodded. "I'll be the only one coming in or out of here. There are safeguards in place to ensure that your drones can't sneak in using my form, and I'm not telling you what they are."

She gave a fanged smirk. "We'll see about that."

The donkey sighed. "I'm going to be blunt: We both know that, given a plentiful food supply, you'd have a lifespan of thirty, maybe forty years. Looking at you, I'm guessing you'll manage twenty at most, and you've already lived through about ten of them."

"Nine and a half." The changeling self-consciously ran a hoof through her perforated mane.

"Uh huh. The point is, no matter how generously the Princesses commute your sentence, they aren't going to pardon you completely. They _may _decide to exile you instead. However, if you don't cooperate, all you have to look forward to is a slow, agonizing death by inches over the next few weeks. I've seen it happen. It isn't pretty."

She backed away, horrified. Such a sight should have traumatized an Equestrian for life. How could this one recount it without a flicker of emotion? "There's no way your Princesses would allow such a thing!"

"Oh?" He quirked an eyebrow. "According to them, they barely tolerated changelings when you kept yourselves to preying on those dumb enough to wander near that blighted dustbowl you call a home. You really think that after trying to declare Equestria your new hunting grounds, they'll let you off with a slap on the pastern?"

"I was only doing to feed my children!" Chrysalis cried. "All I was trying to do was to help my subjects! Surely they understand that!"

"They do. More importantly, they understand why you're in this situation."

"Huh?"

Cranky shook his head. "You've forgotten, haven't you? Hazard of short generations, all too easy to lose knowledge. Changelings weren't always pony-shaped love-locusts. The Chasm of Lies wasn't always a parched wasteland. You did this to yourselves."

"That's a lie!" The queen threw herself against the bars. "That's a damned lie and you know it!"

He didn't even flinch. "Rosedust was a real pony."

She gasped, backing away from the donkey. "The Ever-Ravenous One?" Her wings reflexively buzzed in benediction.

"Queen of the Flutter Ponies," corrected the donkey. "Records are spotty. This was at the very end of the Pre-Discordian Era. It's something of a miracle that any survived at all."

"What happened?"

"Where is Princess Cadence?"

Chrysalis was silent for a moment. Then she snarled and made a horrible sound, half furious whinny, half hissing spiracles. "You miserable little mule! You think your little stories will trick me into telling you where she lies?

He shrugged indifferently. "Worth a try."

"When my children release me, your fetid carcass will be used as nesting material for the new larvae!"

"Well, Matilda and I were going to have to adopt anyway."

The changeling's rage redoubled, leaving her a flailing, hissing, incoherent wreck. Cranky watched this dispassionately for a time before turning to leave. "Enjoy the Moon." Three, two...

"Wait!"

So predictable. "What?"

"I... Tell me of Rosedust."

He turned back. "I thought that was just one of my little stories."

"That doesn't mean it isn't true."

The donkey nodded. "Point. Will you tell me where Cadence is?"

Chrysalis's mind roiled with internal debate. Finally, she sighed in defeat. "Release those of my children who you have imprisoned and tell me her story, and I will."

"I'm just the interrogator. I don't have the authority to make that kind of deal. Still, I'll take your offer to the Princesses. After that, no promises."

The changeling was still at the surprisingly sparse mercy of her captors, but at least now she had hope. "Thank you." The only answer this got was a series of increasingly distant hoofsteps. Still, saying something kind and actually meaning it had been novel. Even... nice.

* * *

><p>Pinkie reached for another tissue. Once she learned about the changelings' ability to feed on emotions, she knew exactly who to call. After all, if Cranky had been able to resist <em>her <em>charms, that big nasty bugpony didn't stand a chance! That he had experience with the creatures from his decades of travel was just icing on the cake.

But then he had explained that _anypony _had to be just as unfeeling when dealing with the captured queen. The pink pony had had episodes of emotionlessness in the distant past, usually coinciding with civilization-ending plagues and continent-ravaging firestorms. But she'd left that mare long behind by the time she closed the time loop that contained much of her life, slipping back into her childhood a moment after she left it.

At least, that was what she'd told herself. The incident on her birthday had hinted at the globe-scouring sourpuss, but infused as she was with the Element of Laughter, instead of an indifferent eschatological ennui, she had entered a silly, surreal state of psychosis. But this...

Technically, she didn't have to be the one to read off the changeling's charges. One of the Princesses could have done it, or one of her friends, or even Shining Armor himself. But they would all be hard-pressed to restrain themselves, and that would give the shapeshifter something to use to get into their hearts and their minds. That couldn't be allowed to happen.

So, Pinkie did what had to be done. She separated herself from Laughter and again became the Pink Pony of Death, destroyer of worlds. It had hurt, worse than she'd expected. Now she sought solace and healing. Given that the current gloomy mood seemed set to persist until Cadence was found, she did so through the only way she could that didn't involve a party. "Another."

Donut Joe quickly complied, bringing the mare her fourth Deluxe Donutopian. "You wanna talk about it? One baker to another?"

"Right now, all I want is to heal the wound in my soul with a poultice of fried dough and frosting."

The stallion said nothing after that. He'd learned long ago not to bother customers when they waxed poetic.

* * *

><p>Cadence sighed. That horrible creature had taken everything from her. Her form, her love, her hope. It would've taken her life if she needed to eat or drink. As it was, her functional immortality just meant that she would suffer eternally. She pondered just trying to end everything. She wouldn't die until she was killed, but it would be so easy. Just find an unstable spot in the cavern, buck it, and welcome blessed oblivion...<p>

No. No, she had to keep going. If not for herself, then for Shining Armor. Somepony would notice. The impostor would slip up. Surely, it was just a matter of time, right? Right?

"Cadence!"

Oh, wonderful. She was going mad. She thought she might, though she'd hoped it would take centuries and not weeks. She wondered what she would be like as a Nightmare.

"Cadence, can you hear me?"

Wait a moment, that voice... Could it be? "Twilight?"

A plane of precious crystal that had so recently displayed her own mocking face presented a wonderfully familiar unicorn. "Cadence!"

"Twilight, is that really you?"

"We captured the fake you! The others have been trying to get her to tell us where she'd taken you, but I decided to try and track her magic signature and I found residue from a scrying spell. I followed the trail and, well, here you are!"

Cadence smiled for the first time since her imprisonment. It was Twilight, alright. Who else would answer that question with a methodology? "I'm beneath the castle, in the old abandoned gem mines, but I don't know how deep." That was the lock on her cell. As long as she didn't know where she was, she couldn't risk a teleport. Ending up inside a solid object would be just as lethal for her as for any mortal pony.

The purple mare frowned in thought. She brightened as she struck upon a solution. "Hang on, I'm going to try to turn this into a gateway." Her face vanished from the massive stone, replaced by a magenta glow. The light was unsteady and irregular at first, then began the stabilize. As it did so, it changed a bit in hue. The princess couldn't quite put her hoof on how, but it seemed more... masculine.

Soon, the light was brilliant and stable. A shout could be heard from the other side. "Cadence!"

Her heart leapt. "Shiny!" Without a second thought, she followed it into the light.

* * *

><p>"And with that, the fate of the Flutter Ponies was sealed. The rest you likely know already." A hint of pity flickered in the donkey's heart for a moment before it was snuffed out.<p>

Silence followed for a time. Finally, Chrysalis spoke up. "Well? Aren't you going to ask me where your precious princess is?"

Cranky shook his head. "No, they managed to find her earlier today. The wedding'll be back on once she's recovered."

"What!"

"You didn't think you were our only lead, did you? That Twilight kid managed to magic her up like a rabbit out of a hat."

"Which is good news for you, aberration." Luna strode into view, positively aglow with restrained fury. Cranky promptly prostrated himself.

Chrysalis glared at the alicorn. "What now? Did you find an even more humiliating cell, or are we just going to cut to the chase?" She raised her head, exposing her neck. "Go ahead, if you think you have the ovarioles."

The moon princess raised an eyebrow, then channeled her magic. The insectoid braced herself... and braced herself... and kept bracing herself. Finally, she gave a derisive laugh. "Couldn't go through with it, could you? I knew you Equestrians were soft! You're practically _begging _us to feed upon you."

"But you will not," stated the younger diarch.

"What makes you so sure?"

"I would not do anything so crude and self-defeating as harm you, Chrysalis. Your absence would be noted and another changeling would step in to take your place. No, I am going to do to you what you tried to do to me."

The changeling frowned. "I don't understand."

"You were going to take away my beloved subjects. Justice dictates that I separate you from yours."

The queen was horrified. "What did you do?"

"Chrysalis," proclaimed Luna, "by Our authority as Princess of the Moon, Avatar of Night, and Mistress of the Quiet Void, We have marked thine very soul with the Glyph of Banishment. Thou mayest never enter the borders of Our lands, and never shall those who dwell there offer thee succor or solace. Thy name art Pariah, thy homeland nowhere. Now begone with thee."

With no further fanfare, the changeling queen vanished.

The alicorn noted the prone figure to her right. "You may rise, Cranky Doodle Donkey. You have done us a great service. And by us, I mean my sister and me."

Cranky swallowed and shakily got to his hooves. Nervously adjusting his toupee, he answered, "W-with all due respect, Your Highness, I really didn't do much of anything. Twilight Sparkle found Princess Cadence."

"True," noted Luna, "but you have reminded Chrysalis of what she and her people once were. Perhaps now they will strive to reclaim the glory that once was theirs."

The donkey couldn't help but glance at the empty cell. "I-if I may ask... where did you send her?"

She looked in the appropriate direction. "Close to home, but far enough away for her to have time to think on her way back."

* * *

><p>The Drackenridge Mountains are many things. Steep. Cold. Harsh. None of their many qualities are particularly hospitable to changelings who suddenly manifest atop the range's highest peak.<p>

Chrysalis shivered, wind whistling through the holes in her hooves. "Oh, th-th-they will p-p-pay for this ind-d-dignity. Th-th-they will _pay_." She stomped a porous hoof to emphasize the point, unsettling a round lump of basalt and sending it rolling into the appendage. With a crimson flare, it reshaped itself. "Huh?"

She leaned down. The rock had become a gorget not unlike one of the pony diarch's, but this one seemed tailored for her more svelte physique. Hewn from polished obsidian, it spoke of power to be found and wielded even after hitting rock bottom. _Especially _after hitting rock bottom. Her crown was replicated on the front in jade.

The queen slipped it on. For being made of volcanic glass, it was surprisingly comfortable. It even filled the void in her gizzard somewhat. Chrysalis smiled. If they thought trying to take Canterlot had been daring, they hadn't seen anything yet.

* * *

><p>Yup. By popular demand, the Elements of Discord are making their gradual return. Oh, and Twilight has mad 1337 h4xx0r skillz, but I think we all knew that already.<p>

**Card of the Chapter:  
><strong>Chrysalis, Changeling Queen 4UB  
>Legendary Creature — Shapeshifter<br>Flying  
>1U: Until end of turn, target creature you control becomes a copy of target creature and gains all creature types. The "legend rule" doesn't apply to that creature or to creatures with the same name as that creature this turn.<br>1B: Target creature gets -0/-1 until end of turn. Chrysalis, Changeling Queen gets +1/+0 until end of turn.  
>33

**Royal Prerogative Bonus Card:**  
>Mi Amore Cadenza 4RW<br>Legendary Creature — Unicorn Pegasus  
>Flying, lifelink<br>3RW, T, Tap another untapped creature you control: Mi Amore Cadenza deals damage equal to its power plus the other tapped creature's power to target creature or player.  
>33

Next in the Sideboard of Harmony: Spectrometer of Worlds


	7. Spectrometer of Worlds

If you've been reading My Little Praetor: Phthisis is Magic, then you've encountered that cardinal sin of ponyfiction, the alicorn OC. Well, this is my attempt to justify her existence and do some more worldbuilding in the process. We open in Sugarcube Corner:

* * *

><p>"Pinkie?"<p>

The party pony looked up from the cupcakes she was frosting. "Oh, hi, Ditzy! What's up?"

"Ever since the wedding, I've been thinking," began the pegasus. "I know the story behind Celestia and Luna, but what about Princess Cadance?"

Pinkie Pie nodded solemnly. Ditzy took a step back in case there was a delayed fuse. "Ah," said the earth mare, "you want to know about the Five Sisters."

"Do I?"

"Yup. It's an old story, almost forgotten. Barely even a myth anymore."

Ditzy smirked. "But you know it."

"Well, duh!" Pinkie exclaimed. "I was there!"

The pegasus nodded. "I thought you would've been. That's why I asked you."

Pinkie set down the icing bag. "You actually came at a really good time, you know."

"Why's that?"

"Oh," the party pony said offhoofedly, "once the new season premieres, it'll pretty much blow this out of the water in terms of canonicity."

Ditzy blinked. "What?"

"I said, 'I'm finished with the last batch of cupcakes and can take a break.' What's wrong, got stamps in your ears?"

"Oh. Okay. That's what I thought you said."

"Good. Come on, we'll talk in my room."

Once the planeswalkers were in private, Pinkie continued. "Anyway, it was just after Celestia and Luna had used the Elements of Harmony on Discord."

Ditzy scrunched her muzzle. "How long after the creation of ponies was that?"

Pinkie bit her lower lip and waved a forehoof uncertainly. "That's not as easy a question as you might think."

"Why not?"

"Well, you have to understand, all the weird stuff when Discord got out again? In terms of power and effort, that was basically him getting the cricks and the watsons and the holmeseses out of his neck. And I don't know if you've ever seen Discord, but trust me, that's a lot of neck."

Ditzy considered this. "So, the cotton candy clouds, the stilt-legged rabbits, the muffins that bit back... That was all a warmup?"

Pinkie nodded. "The Discordant Era was a lot worse."

"Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but why didn't you do anything about it?"

The pink mare shook her head. "I didn't dare. Remember, I was in the middle of one big time loop. Just because Equestria and ponies had been made didn't mean I was in the clear. The longer I stayed here, the more I risked doing something that could invalidate my own existence."

"But you showed up for these Five Sisters," noted Ditzy.

"Yeah, 'cause I got summoned." Pinkie adopted a distant look. "The few times me and Twilight and Dashie and everypony have used the Elements, I can feel something of Faust in there, supporting us, guiding the energies. She must have done the same when Celestia and Luna statutorialized Discord, 'cause afterwards they found the pendant I'd given him when me and Teferi left the plane for the first time."

"And they called you to help rebuild?"

Pinkie shook her head. "Nope. They didn't even know what it was. One of 'em might've poked it or something, but it activated spontaneously."

Ditzy's eyes bounced around their sockets as she tried to make sense of this. She soon gave in. "Wha?"

"Well, like I said," explained Pinkie, "the Discordant Era was a lot worse. Kind of my fault, too. See, I wanted to make entropy prefer the plane to nothingness, and I figured the best way to do that was a sense of humor. Nothing funny about the Blind Eternities."

This got a nod. "No kidding."

"But I didn't think about the repercussions. To be truly, intentionally funny, that take smarts, and a smart person's more likely to be curious. And, well, one of the few things more dangerous than a mix of boredom and omnipotence is a mix of curiosity and omnipotence. You start asking questions like, 'If I'm really omnipotent, what can't I do?' Then you try to answer them." Pinkie sighed. "The Discordant Era wasn't Discord being mean to ponies. That was a side effect. The Discordant Era was Discord stress-testing the universe. Time, space, causality, morality, everything was on the table."

Ditzy shuddered. "It sounds horrible."

"From what I've heard, it was." Pinkie gave an empty smile. "In any case, that's why a question like 'how long after ponies were made?' isn't easy to answer. It could've been a year, a millennium, or the smell of screaming purple."

The party pony took a deep breath. Her sagging curls bounced back to their usual vigor. "Anyway! It was right after Celestia and Luna beat Discord..."

* * *

><p>The sisters stared, amazed at their work. Discord lay before them, the tyrant petrified midway through a boast about his inevitable victory. Already his influence was draining from the land. Little lengths of green had replaced the checkerboard pattern of the ground.<p>

Luna sniffed at them cautiously. They seemed to be neither minty spun sugar or verdigrised copper teeth, her first two guesses.

"Grass," uttered Celestia. "It's grass."

Luna nudged a grass with a forehoof. It offered no resistance, showed no sign of retaliation. "What does it do?" she asked.

"It..." Celestia blinked. Her mind felt so strange now that she didn't have to force every thought through a yard of fog and custard. "I don't think it does anything. It just _is_."

Her sister considered this. "I... think I remember grass?" She wasn't sure. After so long under Discord's claw (How long? Had there even been a beginning?) her mind barely clung to sanity and sapience.

Celestia, an iota more stable, looked up. The sky was blue. That felt right. The sun hung above, a simple white sphere. The last time she'd seen it, it had been a violently lavender pretzel. "I... I made the sun." Yes. She had. She remembered it like her first meeting with her best friend. Who was her best friend? Oh, of course. Luna. Harmony wouldn't have worked otherwise. "And you made the moon."

"Did I?" The younger alicorn looked around dazedly. "Where is it now?"

"It's..." Memories raced through Celestia's head so quickly that she could scarcely keep up. "It's under the thing. Line. Edge." She waved a forehoof in the general direction of the whatsit.

A word came unbidden to Luna's tongue. "Horizon?"

"No. Maybe. Yes. Under the horizon. It's daytime. That's how it works. Day, then night, then day again."

Luna considered this. "Why?"

"Why not?"

"Okay." Celestial mechanics were hardly the most important thing the pair had to worry about. "Now what?"

"I, um..." Celestia's mouth worked silently as she pondered this. "I don't know," she admitted.

"Okay, what happened?"

Both sisters jumped and turned to the source of the voice. It didn't sound like Discord's usual slick wheedling, but that meant nothing. The alicorns huddled together, horns glowing with magic and eyes bright with fear. "Who's there?" cried Celestia, dreading the answer.

A pink pony appeared out of nowhere. How? She had no horn. She floated in the air. How? She had no wings. Did the seal fail? The statue was still there, but had some lesser bit of Discord slipped out?

The mare frowned at the sisters' fright. "Girls, what's wrong?"

"Who are you?" shouted Luna.

"What are you?" added Celestia.

The pink mare landed and stepped closer. "Don't you recognize me?"

The alicorns shied back. "Stay away!" Celestia cried.

Pinkie looked around, soon finding Discord's petrified form. "Oh my gosh, Discy!" She turned back to her granddaughters and examined them more closely. Both nervous, disheveled, balanced on the knife's edge between fight and flight. In a word, chaotic. And lying at their feet, six gemstones that emanated an all-too familiar aura of order and tranquility.

The planeswalker put two and two and two together without even needing to do a Sleipnir impression. "Discord went rogue." It wasn't a question but a certainty.

"He... I... We..." Celestia's stammering halted as she tried to collect herself. "Yes?"

Pinkie sighed. "I should've known. They were made to balance each other. Without one, the other would eventually..." She shook her head. "Stupid. And now order and chaos are masterless."

"Who are you?" repeated Luna, less afraid now that nothing had changed shape since the stranger had appeared.

"You really don't remember?"

The alicorn gave Pinkie a blank look. "Remember what?"

"Guess not." The planeswalker sighed. "Well, I have some planar governors to replace. The new ones won't be nearly as powerful, but they'll get the job done. For a while, at least." She rose into the air like gravity had lost interest in her (which, until recently, was a plausible explanation.)

"Wait!" cried Celestia. Whoever this was, she seemed to have a sense of purpose, more than the white filly could claim. "What should we do?"

Pinkie despaired for a moment, shocked at what her son had done to his nieces. Well, at least that had an easy fix. "You were made to guide and protect the mortal ponies. Find them. Help them rebuild. Teach them and learn from them in turn."

A warmth filled each sister's breast. They felt, they knew this was right. They cantered off, slowed only by encounters with nearly forgotten wonders like trees, unflavored clouds, and long-term ontological stability.

Pinkie smiled, gladdened by the sight. Then she returned to business and a steady ascent. She couldn't just make a new incarnation of entropy any more than she could one of its absence. Discord and Lauren might be unable to do their jobs, but they still _were_. However, she could add something to stabilize the plane.

No. Better idea. Some _things_. Five of them, for preference. If it was good enough for the Multiverse, it was good enough for her.

Pinkie grinned as she left the planet's atmosphere. Yes, that was the ticket. The plane knew what it needed. It felt the gaps left by the twins who'd given it life and form. All Pinkie had to do was offer something to fill that void and Ungula would take care of the rest.

The planeswalker came to rest at the Lagrangian point between the sun and the planet. From here, she could see the gradual return of sanity to the world as a whole. Oh, Discord. Trying to fill the hole in his heart with endless chaos when what he wanted more than anything was someone to tell him, "No." No wonder the sisters won. He'd probably let them.

Pinkie pushed away the thought, closed her eyes, and concentrated. She drew upon millennia of wandering the planes, memories of the people she'd met, the places she'd seen, the things she'd done. Mana flowed across the Multiverse and into her hooves. She gave it almost no shape, only sorting the energy by color.

A chromatic constellation formed around the mare, five orbs of magic glowing and growing. With extra care, she forged tiny nuggets of energy, each with a different blend of four colors of mana, and deposited each at the center of the sphere that complimented it. That was a lesson from her daughter; the impurities would keep the sunlets stable and self-sustaining. Finally, Pinkie released her creations, giving them a push to get them going in their orbits around Celestia's sun.

Then, too exhausted even to maintain her physical form, the planeswalker's disembodied awareness drifted back to the planet and waited. Almost anywhere else, Pinkie would've feared for her life; she was so weak that another planeswalker could snuff out her existence with little more than a thought. However, this was her personal universe, one known only to her and two people who she knew she could trust. Here, she could recuperate without fear.

The new planets added life to the night sky as Luna relearned how to control and ornament it. The introduction of so much magical energy shifted the world's leylines, still pliable from Discord's careless reign. Like supernatural tectonic drift, the planet's geomancy shifted into a new, more auspicious arrangement. Pinkie followed these shifts as she regained her strength, watching and waiting.

A year and a day later, her patience paid off. Five lines of force converged at a single point. The site erupted as it failed to contain the sheer power of the new arcane nexus. An incandescent pillar of light rose from the cataclysm. Waves of mystic power rippled across the land, the seismic equivalent of a sonic rainboom. The air echoed with the songs of angels and the screams of demons, both of which show up in even the most agnostically designed universes.

When the sound and fury finally faded, there stood a mountain that was nearly a world in and of itself. The peak's sheer mass caused the crust of the planet to dimple slightly, creating a ring of wetland around its foot. Forests crawled up the slopes like moss on a rock, refusing to hold truck with any "timber line" nonsense. Above them waved fields of hardy grass, advance scouts for the trees, turning barren stone into rich soil. Further up were the young, exposed crags that had not yet known erosion and were still tall and jagged and proud. And at the peak was a stranded iceberg, shimmering in the sunlight.

And, on the very top of that glacial capstone, there stood a pink mare and five horned, winged foals.

"Well," said Pinkie, clearly pleased with herself, "that's one way to make an entrance." She shaded her eyes and surveyed the horizon. "Now, they should be about... there!"

It was the work of a moment to transpose herself from the top of the newly raised Canterhorn to her granddaughters' flight paths. A year and a day spent discorporate did wonders for the mana reserves. "Hi, girls!"

Doing a double take in midair always carries an element of risk. When moving at near-sonic speeds, it can be fatal. Fortunately, the alicorn body is more than capable of shrugging off forces that would pulverize mortal bones, so Celestia and Luna were able to stop and boggle at the incongruous earth pony without killing themselves. Luna spoke first. "Who—"

"Not important!" cried Pinkie. She produced the five still-sleeping bundles of deific joy seemingly out of nowhere. "They are."

The younger sister gasped as she took in the infants' horns and wings. Celestia remained outwardly calm. "And who are they?"

The party pony parodied the princess's poker face. "Your cousins," she answered in a voice so flat it could take the bubbles out of champagne from a hundred yards.

That broke the elder alicorn's composure. "What? How?"

"Why should we believe you?" demanded Luna.

"Well, I guess you don't have to," admitted Pinkie. "At least, if you want to refuse the only actual family you have." She knew it was a low blow, but they needed to accept the newborns. She couldn't risk the alternative.

Luna glared at her. "And how would you know that?"

Pinkie decided to try a different tack. Well, more of a nail. Stuck in a club. "Did you know you're immortal? That's really gonna suck in the long run without somepony else to provide continuity."

The blue alicorn brought herself muzzle-to-muzzle with the impossible mare. "You seem to know an awful lot about us for somepony whose identity isn't important. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't—"

"Luna." With one word, Celestia brought her sister to heel. "Whoever she is, she knows more about our kind than we do. She comes bearing foals that would more than triple our number. Our ponies need a symbol of hope, of plenty. We have no reason to distrust her."

"We have every reason to distrust her!" Luna shouted. "She refuses to answer any question that she dislikes! She has all the answers we've been looking for and she won't give them to us!"

"What's the point if you don't find out for yourself?" asked Pinkie.

The sisters' argument stopped almost before it got started. The mystery mare, they realized, was still right in front of them. She could hear every word they were saying. Luna idly kicked a forehoof. "My apologies."

"And mine," added Celestia. "We... That is, at times..." She sighed. "Discord leaves scars on us all, the worst hidden from sight."

Pinkie nodded. "I understand. I swear I'm telling you as much of the truth as I can."

Luna cast a skeptical eye on her. "And on what do you swear?"

The planeswalker considered this for a moment. A Pinkie Pie Promise probably wouldn't fly with Little Miss Moonbutt McSkepticpants... unless it was a Pinkie Pie Promise _Classic_. "My heart and my hooves, my spells and my soul. I swear on my friends, every colt, mare, and foal. I swear on my sisters, my father, my mother, on all I hold dear, in this world and others."

Luna took this in for a moment. Her answer was carefully scrubbed of emotion. "Go on."

Pinkie did so. "You know those things around the sun that showed up just after you stoned Discord?"

The sisters nodded. Luna blinked, then squinted, analyzing Pinkie even more closely than before.

"They're acting to help maintain the balance of the universe and make sure the whole kit and caboodle doesn't go kaput."

"Then why did they only show up a year ago?" asked Celestia.

"The universe seemed pretty damn imbalanced before then," Luna noted.

Pinkie nodded. "It was. Discord was supposed to act as one end of that balance, but his opposite number... well, it's complicated."

"Try us," said Luna.

The planeswalker vacillated. How much should she say? How much _could_ she say? "Well kids, you basically used your mom's comatose body to petrify your grief-stricken uncle. Great job!" Yeah, not happening. She decided to take it step by step. "She was your mother."

Celestia's expression would make kicked puppies feel guilty. "Was?"

"She's not gone for good," Pinkie added hastily, "no more than Discord is. She's just... resting."

"Where?" demanded Luna.

"I don't know." Technically true. She didn't know where they'd put the Elements.

"If Mother isn't gone," said Celestia, dread building in her voice, "then could Discord return as well?"

Pinkie shook her head. "As long as you two stay attuned to the Elements of Harmony, the seal will be maintained." And really, she thought, what could disrupt that connection?

"If these are our cousins," said Luna, "then our mother had siblings, didn't she?" She frowned. "Come to think of it, what about our father?"

"Your cousins are avatars of the new planets," Pinkie explained. "Those, in turn, were created by the same entity who created your mother. As for your father..." She shrugged. "I wasn't exactly there for the conception."

Celestia smiled knowingly. "Were you there for the birth, Grandmother?"

In the time before the Mending, a planeswalker's body was an extension of her will, a physical pretension adopted by a transcendent being to condescend to organic life's level. As such, Pinkie's expression showed no involuntary twitches or tells, no autonomic betrayals. She just smiled and shook her head as her heart broke anew. "Good guess, kid, but you're off the mark."

"Oh?" Luna frowned in concentration. "Just after we beat Discord, I... It's hazy, but I definitely remember... pink."

The pink pony hesitated for a split second. In a decade, it would be as obvious as an exploding polygraph to the sisters. Now, they lacked the political acumen to pick up on it. "I didn't say you weren't close," said Pinkie, hastily assembling a new story. "Think of me as your godmother."

"Uh huh." Celestia clearly didn't buy it for a second. Still, she had the grace to let the matter rest. Her attention turned back to the infants. "What are their names?"

"Dunno," Pinkie admitted. "You two knew yours by the time I met you."

"But they'll keep the universe stable?" asked Luna.

Pinkie nodded. "Them, and their parents."

"And they'll live forever?" Celestia shivered as eternity loomed before her. "As will we?"

"You two? Definitely. As for them, well, they'll live until they die."

Luna smirked. "That's generally the case, yes."

Pinkie shook her head. "I mean they won't die of old age or hunger or just about any disease, but they will if they get hurt enough."

"Then we'll have to keep them safe, for the sake of everything," declared Celestia.

"Well, yes and no," answered Pinkie. "As long as at least one's still okay, the uneven balance will cause the rest to reincarnate." She frowned. "Er, I think."

Luna gave her an incredulous look. "You _think_?"

"Well, you never know. Semistable equilibria might form with fewer than all five, the mechanism of power transfer might work differently, there's ambiguity if some go rogue while others don't..." Pinkie shrugged. "When dealing with magic of this magnitude, it's a crapshoot at best."

"Not that you would know," snarked the moon pony.

"Oh, I deal with this kind of stuff on a regular basis," answered Pinkie, "I just didn't do this one." Not directly, anyway.

Celestia took the foals in magical tow. "Well, I suppose we'll just have to see what happens." She nodded to Pinkie. "Thank you... Godmother."

"Oh, by the way," added Luna, "just an afterthought, idle curiosity, really, but what's the story with the _enormous mountain that wasn't there an hour ago?_"

Celestia looked at the peak in question. "Oh, right. That."

"Yeah, the reason we came here in the first place." Luna glared a challenge at Pinkie. "Care to explain that one, 'Godmother'?"

"Side effect of your cousins coming into existence," the party pony said nonchalantly. "Looks nice, though. Might be a good site for a city."

Before either sister could respond, she enveloped them in a wide hug. "Thank you, girls. I know you'll do a great job."

"With what, exactly?" asked Celestia.

"Being you." Before either alicorn could ask for clarification, Pinkie 'walked away.

* * *

><p>"When I hugged them, I slipped a little mind bug into each of their heads," said Pinkie. "It worked slowly, blurring their memories of me and encouraging them to make up new ones." She sighed. "It had to be done. No way Celestia would let her Granny Pie grow up on some dull ol' rock farm. If they remembered me, it would change history."<p>

"And the Five Sisters?" prompted Ditzy.

"Well, turns out I was wrong about the reincarnation. When Cadence I gave—"

Ditzy frowned. "'Cadence eye'?"

Pinkie rolled her eyes. "When Cadence _the First_ gave birth to a daughter – huge scandal at the time, they were supposed to be celibate, but Princess of Love, what're ya gonna do? Anyway, when she gave birth, it was to an alicorn. One that looked exactly like her. The others were... let's say 'encouraged' to have kids of their own, because more alicorns could only be a good thing, right?"

"Possibly," allowed the pegasus.

"Well, when all was said and done, they all had sons, there were one horn and four wings between them, and nopony had both. They'd go on to found the various noble houses, which would eventually lead to the likes of Prince Blueblood." Pinkie smirked. "So you can see how good an idea that turned out to be."

Ditzy held back a grin of her own. "Why was Cadence different?"

"Well, that didn't become clear until Cadence II came of age. Her cutie mark turned out to be identical to her mother's, and her mother started feeling her age."

The pegasus gulped. "How old was she by then?"

Pinkie bowed her head. "About three hundred. She passed on a few days later. They say that the moment she died, she crumbled to dust."

Ditzy frowned as realization struck. "Wait. How do you know this anyway?"

The party pony gave her a quizzical look. "What do you mean? I thought you came to me because I'd been there."

"Well, yeah," admitted Ditzy, "for the big dramatic planet-making stuff, not for the courtly history. Three hundred years after Discord would be about five and a half thousand years ago." She frowned. "Which... actually doesn't mesh at all with the chronology of your life, thinking about it."

Pinkie shrugged. "Like I said, Discy used spacetime as his own personal trampoline. The plane's temporal flow was wonky until the Mending, and that was only about a decade ago."

"Fair enough," Ditzy conceded, "but that still doesn't explain how you know about this stuff. I think the princesses would notice a pink courtier who never seemed to age."

"Oh, that." Pinkie smiled. "Somepony had to take care of Commodore Guff's library after he got eaten by Yawgmoth."

"Oh." Ditzy considered this. "So you own a library the size of a small universe."

"Uh huh."

"One that contains every book that ever was written, ever will be written, and ever _might_ be written."

"Yuppy-duppy!"

Suppressed giggles began to leak through the pegasus's demeanor. "A-and you *snrk* never told Twilight?"

Pinkie looked from side to side, looking for any possible spies or probes. Satisfied with the room's secrecy, she whispered, "I _told_ her she'd be getting a really great birthday present this year."

After a bout of laughter, Ditzy admitted, "It's probably better you haven't told her. We might never see her again."

"Oh, don't worry," Pinkie said confidently. "There's an orangutan who owes me a favor. He'll keep an eye on her."

Ditzy's better judgement shifted her train of thought away from this track and the penny lying thereon. "I think we've gotten a bit off-topic."

"Right. Anyway, shortly after they found a suitably tasteful urn, Cadence II said her mom had told her she was glad that she'd be taking her place." Pinkie paused, perceiving pluripotent perplexing pronoun potential. "Er, the mom told her daughter that—"

"I think I got it," Ditzy assured her. "So?"

"So, that was the key. For the Five Sisters, succession and abdication are inseparable. Only when they're tired of ruling will they produce their heirs. Er, heiresses."

"Huh." Ditzy pondered this for a moment. "So, which Cadence married Captain Armor?"

"Well, they don't use the generation thing officially, 'cause, y'know, royalty. They like to project that image of unchanging, eternal stability. Serious reaction formation from Discord's behavior, if you ask me." Pinkie nodded to herself, then paused and looked at the cigar in her hoof. "How'd that get there?"

"It formed out of your aura of ambient laughter magic," answered Ditzy.

"Oh. Okay, then. Anyway, the Cadences have kept up the tradition of high turnover. I think we're up to Cadence XL, give or take a few."

"'Cadence ecks-el' meaning 'Cadence the Fourtieth?'"

Pinkie nodded. "Precisely!"

Ditzy thought for a moment. "So who are the others? And where, for that matter?"

Pinkie gave a nervous chuckle. "Well, remember that Celestia's not very good at delegating, so there's never really been a lot for the Five Sisters to do, officially. Each has a role, but it's left to her how she defines it and what she does with it. So, they're kind of, well, scattered."

"So you don't know."

Pinkie grinned sheepishly. "More or less."

Ditzy wingshrugged. "Well, your freaky knowledge had to run out somewhere. Can you at least tell me their names?"

The baker smiled. "Now what fun would that be?" She patted her friend on the back. "If you really want to know, go check your local library. Or local librarian."

The pegasus considered this. Eventually, she nodded. "I think I will, actually. Among others."

* * *

><p>And there you have it. Five sisters (give or take a few generations) who maintain the continued stability of the world simply by virtue of existing. If that seems familiar, its because I <em>may<em> have drawn inspiration from the pen-and-paper RPG Exalted. Princess of love, Venus, Sidereals... What can I say? It seemed like a logical progression at the time.

**Card of the Chapter:**

Chromatic Convergence 3GWU  
>Sorcery<br>For each color, each player may put a permanent card of that color from his or her hand onto the battlefield.  
><em>The rainbow is a symbol of great power in Equestria, and for good reason.<em>

Next in the Sideboard of Harmony: Quod Cucurbita


	8. Quod Cucurbita

Hi all! Yes, I'm still alive. And doing science. However, I've set a goal this semester not to fail miserably, and as such, my casual writing time has dropped dramatically. However, it's still greater than zero, and hopefully so is the number of people still reading this.

In any case, if you've been reading _My Little Praetor_, you've already met all the members of the Ponyville branch of the Equestrian Time-Space Administration Bureau. Well, why don't we look at them in some greater detail?

* * *

><p>The first rule of time travel is, "When in the past, don't gawk at everything like a tourist in Haywaii."<p>

Well, actually, the first rule of time travel is, "Don't time travel unless you absolutely have to." Then there's a bunch of other rules involving causal loops, paradoxes, and a general theme of ensuring that you don't accidentally make the universe implode. But the first rule that isn't punctuated with an unspoken "or you'll kill us all, you idiot" is the one about the gawking.

The reason I bring this up is because I had to keep reminding myself of it as I walked through Ponyville. It wasn't that the town was especially impressive, it was that it was all one big rush of nostalgia.

Oh, I should probably introduce myself, shouldn't I? You're probably not used to hearing about my particular Equestria in the first pony. You may not used to being directly addressed by Equestrians, come to think of it. Aunt Pinkie always says it's best to keep signs of explicit audience awareness to a minimum unless you're from that one splay with the megaspells, but you don't mind, do you?

...I guess you can't really answer that. Well, you can, but I certainly can't do anything with the answers. Not in any kind of reasonable time frame, in any case.

Where was I?

Oh, right, introductions. Sorry. I get sidetracked rather easily. Something of an occupational hazard. You've probably heard about me. I'm the fourth member of the Ponyville branch of the ETSAB. Space Division, Department of Quantum Affairs, Office of Ontological Ambiguity. Which, yes, is a thing that exists, though the budget committee has a tendency to forget.

My name is Pumpkin Spice Cake. I'm an ontolomancer.

You're probably asking three questions right now. Firstly, why would I open this little communiqué with rules of time travel if I'm from the Space Division? Well, as you likely know, in the temporal region of this Equestria with which you're most accustomed, I'm an infant, assuming that I've even been born. A filly still in diapers kicking flank and taking names may seem neat in theory, but it's not Bureau standard operating procedure. However, the rest of the branch is highly active in this time, and with good reason. This era will in time be known as the Concordant Eclipse, as the return of Princess Luna and the ascendance of the Avatars of Harmony—

Oh, wait. Spoilers. In any case, it's a very eventful time, and the Bureau isn't going to have let a little thing like temporal logistics (or verb tenses) keep one of its most promising agents (their words, not mine,) out of the action.

The second question is admittedly one you might not be asking or even care about, but I'm answering it as a matter of professional pride: what is ontolomancy?

Yes. That is to say, ontolomancy is the magic of what-ness, i.e., existence. I can make the false real and the real false. I can make truth and beauty solid enough to sit on or vanish so completely that I disappear from sight and memory alike.

Of course, this leads directly to the third question: where was I during the harmonic elemental incident? Surely, you reason, that was a prime example of the unreal acquiring a dangerous degree of reality. Why wasn't I dispatched to counteract the manifestation?

Well, it's more complicated than that. See, they weren't the only ones forming themselves at the time. I was, too. My mother was pregnant with Pound and me. Travelling to a point in time when you already exist is a touchy matter at best. Going to one when your body and soul are still gestating is just asking for trouble. Life-eradicating, universe-imploding trouble.

Anyway, Ponyville. Wandering. Nostalgia rush. Locally, it was a few weeks after I was born. Mom and Dad still had their hooves full with the new twins, so as long as I avoided the Sugarcube Corner, the odds of running into them, and by extension myself, were slim. (Not that that meeting would be disastrous. Just... awkward. What do you say to a pony who just changed your diaper?)

There was always the matter of Aunt Pinkie, but I had accounted for her as best I could. One can never be entirely certain with her, of course, but I did have some emergency contingencies. Ones devised by her, no less.

In any case, I managed to keep myself off Memory Lane enough to avoid stares. Well, most stares. A few were actually quite flattering, and others had the familiar quizzical look of somepony trying to divine the meaning of my cutie mark. I admit, it's not the most obvious or straightforward image to grace a flank, but that's only to be expected when your special talent is the magical manipulation of existence.

I soon reached my destination, though it took me a moment to recognize it as such. It was just so... small. The Ponyville Post Office should've been—

Oh. Spoilers again. Sorry, I'm still a bit wet behind the ears when it comes to time travel. This is only my third polyennial trip. Still, I'm going to spending a lot of time in this, er, time. I'd like to get to know my fellow agents as they are in this particular "now." Preferably after I get first impressions and professional introductions out of the way. Thankfully, that's one application of time travel that doesn't break the universe.

Anyway, I entered the Post Office, struck again by how tiny the place seemed. A familiar stallion stood behind the counter. He didn't smile, but as Aunt Pinkie might put it, he's never been the smiliest pony in the world. "Hello," he said. "Can I help you?"

"Mr. Address Unknown?" I knew it was him, but I had to ask. He'd never met me before.

He nodded warily. "And you would be?"

"Summer Squash," I lied smoothly. "I work with your wife semi-regularly." True, from the flexible temporal perspective needed in my line of work. "Is she in?"

He shook his head. "She's out walking the routes with some trainees. She should be back in an hour or two."

"I see. I'll come back then."

"Should I tell her you came by?"

I hesitated for a moment, then smiled. Address wouldn't normally make such an offer to somepony he just met. I must have made a good impression on him. "That would be lovely. Thank you."

I left the distinctly diminutive post office undaunted. Ditzy Doo wasn't the only agent in town, after all. With a minimum of looky-looing, I made my way to Starting Lane and a two-story house thereon. A sign with three candies hung above the door. This place, at least, felt familiar. Felt right. The memories of future caramels past played on my tongue as I walked in.

The earth pony behind the counter perked up as a bell announced my entry. "Welcome to Bonbon's. I'm Bonbon. How can I help you?"

I admit, I'm a young mare. In some ways, I'm still a filly. I was tempted. Oh sweet sisters, was I tempted. Exquisite hoofmade caramels that could turn a summer afternoon into hours of bliss and sore jaw muscles. Jewel-cut rock candy that could set off Dame Rarity's gem-finding spell. Color-speckled jawbreakers like tooth-eroding stars plucked from the sweetest depths of Luna's sky.

My parents are bakers. I know the ins and outs of pastry too well for it to have any fascination for me. But Bonbon was a confectioner, an artist who used sugar like Mom and Dad used flour, who could make cacao beans grateful to be roasted and pulverized, who had an even better and worse love-hate relationship with Ponyville's dental hygienist (and temporal logistics operative) than did the Corner...

I realized that I was drooling. Blushing, I caught my shameful saliva in my telekinesis. "I'm terribly sorry."

Paragon of grace that she was, Madame Dulcinea waved it off. "Please, I take it as a compliment. What's your pleasure?"

"I'm actually looking for a Miss Lyra Heartstrings." Duty and maturity dragged every word like a great slab of lead, or perhaps of the toffee that even now...

No. Bad Pumpkin. Business before pleasure. Such pleasure.

Confusion and a hint of fear flickered on Bonbon's face for a moment before her genial smile reasserted itself. "Lyra?" she asked, just a bit too high and too quickly. "What do you need her for?"

Enamored as I was with her creations, I wouldn't be a Bureau agent if I didn't notice the salespony's mask slip. "Is there something wrong, Miss?"

"No!" She scrambled to correct the outburst. "No, nothing's wrong. Everything's fine." She swallowed. "Er, why, exactly, do you need Lyra?"

I gave my best reassuring smile. "Just a fan of her work, Miss." Technically true. We may both be in Quantum Affairs, but I could never do what Lyra does on a daily basis. I just keep tangible and intangible distinct. She makes sure that everything that can happen does.

Bonbon gave a relieved sigh. "Thank goodness." She giggled a bit. "I know how crazy this will sound, but sometimes those conspiracies of hers sound terribly... believable. All nonsense, of course," she said, as much to herself as to me, "but... sensible nonsense, if you know what I mean."

I nodded. Ah, the perils of hypnotic confidentiality. Minds can't be neatly portioned off into public and private. Like a cheap quill, they either leak or break. Thankfully, Lyra's did the former, though at times it seemed like the latter. "Miss Heartstrings has something of a reputation for... eccentricity," I said diplomatically.

Bonbon gave the ghost of a grin and shook her head. "No, I don't think we can afford eccentricity. Lyra's just weird." The grin revivified. "In any case, you didn't come here to talk about her behind her tail. She's upstairs."

"Thank you." I started for the stairs, but soon halted. My stomach and inner child had banded together and were demanding compensation for their cooperation. "Um, Miss Bonbon?"

"Yes... Oh, I never even got your name!"

"Summer Squash." I took a deep breath. Princesses preserve me from this sweet tooth. "C-could I get one of the big bumboozer 'breakers? To go?"

The big bumboozer was to jawbreakers what coconut custard was to combat bakery. It was slightly smaller than a foal's head and contained more than a day's recommended allowance of carbohydrates. After the Geneighva Convention, it took decades of work by the confectioners' lobby to make it legal again. The techniques were nearly lost to the ages. Some rumors claim that the mare who finally convinced Celestia was actually a member of the Time Division sent in a rare case of sanctioned historical alteration. Others say the princess herself went back to correct her earlier mistake. All I knew for certain was that the day I could first fit one of those enormous spheres of sugary bliss in my mouth was one of the greatest in my life.

I couldn't look back. I didn't need to. There would be that same gentle, faintly smug smile that confectioners, bakers, vintners, and other purveyors of society-sanctioned vice seemed to learn. It was a smile that said, "I am glad to help ease the burdens of your life. I will speak of your purchase to nopony and will never, ever judge you. In exchange, you will give me a lot of money." True to form, she answered, "That will be twenty bits."

"Worth every cent." I only realized I'd spoken the thought after the fact.

"Plain paper bag?"

Something in her tone struck a spark of rebellion in me. "Actually," I answered, turning to face her, "just leave it on the counter. I'll pick it up on my way out."

As I noted above, I wouldn't be an ETSAB agent if I couldn't detect subtle hints and betraying flashes. Here it was a moment's hesitation, a hint of grudging awe in Bonbon's voice. "Certainly."

I took a deep breath as I went up the stairs. Compared to my sugar fix, dealing with an inactive Lyra would be a walk in the park.

Upstairs, notes from a lyre drifted out of one of the rooms. It wasn't music but experimentation; after a couple notes, the forming melody would cut off, only to repeat with a changed note here and there. Even without the halting tune, I would've been able to pick out which door led to the unicorn; it was the only one with a griffin-style rotary doorknob, the sort that's almost impossible to work with hooves. I knocked on the oddly outfitted door.

"Come in."

I did just that, turning the knob with my magic. As soon as I crossed the threshold, an enormous hand formed of golden magic grabbed me, lifted me into the air, and began to squeeze the life out of me.

All in all, still not as bad as my sweet tooth.

Lyra grinned triumphantly, her horn wreathed in an identical auriferous aura, an open book hovering before her next to her iconic instrument. On the cover of the spellbook was an open five-fingered hand over an unpleasant looking ten-pointed arcane seal. "Thought you could catch me off guard, didn't you? Big mistake. I knew the Mare would send her goons after me if I was on the right track. All you've done is confirm my suspicions."

"Hi, Lyra," I croaked, my breathing rather obstructed by my bindings. "Very nice use of Magnus Beta's Grappling Grasper."

The hold loosened a bit as she gawped at me, flummoxed by my nonchalance. "Wha... You're not supposed to say that!"

"Oh, was there a script?" I gave my best look of concern. It wasn't hard; I just had to seem worried about a social faux pas rather than living long enough to taste the massive masterpiece that waited for me downstairs. "Sorry, I didn't know." As I waxed contrite, I started to feed my own magic into the hand, eroding its coherence.

Of course, that wasn't going to go unnoticed by its controller. Lyra's expression snapped from incomprehension back to righteous fury. The fingers around me tightened as she snapped, "Don't try to distract me! Do you even know what this is?" She tilted her head towards her tome, shadows dancing in her moving hornlight. "What it's capable of?"

I nodded. The squeezing wasn't so bad as the Grasper became progressively less real. More cushiony than crushing. "To quote the Mad Arabian: 'Sibling to this Liber Paginarum Fulvarum is the Liber Digitalis Ambulatorum, where the secrets of the God-Apes may be found by those who dare to claim them for their own.'" I peered critically at the Book of Walking Fingers. "Of course, what you've got there looks like a fifthhoof copy at best."

"Really?" The grip slackened again as she examined the codex. "I thought it was an original."

I snorted. "Oh no. You know when you've got an original copy of that kind of spellbook. The loss of sanity and the mutations are kind of a tipoff."

"Mutations?" There was unease in Lyra's tone, but also a bit of morbid fascination.

"Uh, hello? Sibling to the Neighcrotelecomnicon? You definitely wouldn't still have hooves. You might not even have legs."

"Huh." Lyra shook her head. "Darn it, stop trying to distract me! It's not going to— What have you done!?" Darn, she noticed. Between my spellcraft and her lack of focus, the Grasper had gone from brilliant solidity to fitful transparency. The mint-green mare redoubled her efforts, overglow wreathing her horn. "I'm not letting you report back to Canterlot!"

I admit, the sheer wrath in that declaration shook me. "Y-you don't mean—"

"Oh, don't worry. Fifthhoof or not, the book's still got a lot to teach. It calls this a 'sleeper hold.' I'll just send you back as a message." She flashed a sadistic grin. "Nopony tugs at these Heartstrings."

I would've facehoofed if I could wriggle one free. "Really? 'Nopony tugs at these Heartstrings'? Did you spend all night coming up with that one?"

She blushed. "N-no!"

"Why not 'I call my own tune,' or 'This lyre will find the truth'? I mean, at least you didn't make a hand pun, but still."

Lyra scowled. "You're in no place to be criticizing my choice of one-liners!"

I rolled my eyes. "The fact that you're making one-liners at all is kind of embarrassing. You don't think spying is actually like a Con Mane movie, do you? All gadgets and cart chases and reporting to ponies with one-letter code names?" Okay, there is that weird stallion L Lariat over in Anomalous Affairs, but his parents actually named him that.

If looks could kill, I wouldn't be telling you this. "Shut up!" Lyra screamed. Layer after layer of overglow enshrouded her horn. The Grasper began to vibrate with its caster's fury.

Fortunately, Lyra had just been feeding more and more power into the construct without ever figuring out what I'd been doing. It didn't really hurt, but the quivering wasn't fun. "I d-d-don't thi-i-ink thi-i-is is-s-s wha-a-at the-e-ey me-e-ean b-b-by sha-a-aking ha-a-ands!"

Then the spell passed a vital threshold, becoming so unreal that it could no longer support my weight. Thus, I began to pass through it. However, Lyra was still reinforcing it, which meant she was trying to form a force construct where there was already solid matter.

In the end, it came down to the Pauni Exclusion Principle. The hand and I couldn't occupy the same space. Something had to give. The hand was more fragile than I was, and so it exploded.

Hang on. I'm going to get that bumboozer. Be right back.

* * *

><p>Well, you heard the lady. Let her get some sugar in her system, and then we'll get to the thrilling conclusion. In the meantime, I'll try to keep balancing work and play. Thanks for your patience and your patronage (in a manner of speaking.)<p>

**Things I Made Up This Chapter:  
><strong>The Mad Arabian: Abd-el-Horsehead (b. Year of the Enthusiastic Gerbil [Discordant Era], d. AC 7.) Privy to horrors from beyond space, time, comprehension, and color, even after Discord's defeat. His writings describe many of them, ranging from Iänämi the Unheld Center to Oglogoth the Deep One to Hapehloqz the World Glutton.  
>Pauni Exclusion Principle: Formulated by Timberwolfgang Pauni in AC 2925. The quantumantic principle that, sans magical intervention, multiple material particles cannot occupy the same position in spacetime. Overcoming the Principle is considered the first step on the road to mastering ontolomancy.<p>

**Card of the Chapter:**

Pumpkin Cake, Ontolomancer 3UU  
>Legendary Creature — Unicorn Wizard<br>Flash; hexproof  
>When Pumpkin Cake, Ontolomancer enters the battlefield, put target exiled permanent card onto the battlefield under your control. Exile that permanent at the beginning of the next end step. If that permanent would leave the battlefield, exile it instead of putting it anywhere else.<br>1/3

Next in the Sideboard of Harmony: Morbid Flashback


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